The Archers: Everybody Hurts

Clearly the script-writers, like the rest of us, could take no more of Jude. With brutal speed they dispatched him to roam America, sans Pip. Go West, young man. No, a bit further than Penny Hassett. If only he could have taken Brenda and Helen with him, my cup would have runneth over. Just imagine the three of them in a Thunderbird convertible, barrelling along the Big Sur Highway. They could fuel the car on whinge-gas alone.

Hey Jude, you let me down...

The departure of Jude and his irritating text-speak was an occasion of great delight for everyone, particularly me, David and Ruth. Everyone, in fact, except poor old Pip, who has lost her Fizz. Her wailing reminded me very strongly of being dumped myself, at seventeen – even though surely I must have been quite pulchritudinous and fascinating – by an older man. Well, he was eighteen but he’d been to Belgium, so he seemed very worldly. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? No, I don’t mean to Belgium.

I thought Ruth did a fair job of comforting Pip, at least until she started banging on about college again. I’m learning a lot of parenting techniques from Ruth, though I’m mainly filing them in the ‘how not to do it’ section. I also learned a lot from David, who, when confronted with his post-Jude daughter, decided to focus entirely on a cow he was grooming. Grooming as in brushing it and tying ribbons on its tail, rather than preparing it for an illegal relationship. At least, I think so. Their skirting-around conversation about forelocks and rosettes was meant to be a metaphor for everything being okay between the two of them, but it just made them seem completely suppressed and weird. Which is accurate enough, on reflection.

Oh Sid, whither thou now? Matt is having to get his own drinks, and look at that puddle

It’s not just Pip sobbing into her pillow, of course. Ambridge is a veritable vale of tears at the moment.  Jamie, for instance, is in something of a doldrum. Not only is his dad now serving pints to St Peter, but his Mum has become an over-protective boring harridan (what do I mean, has become?) If I hear Kathy say ‘Jaaaamie’ in that infuriating ‘I’m super-caring’ tone one more time, I’ll probably do what he did and storm out, slamming doors and yelling that nothing means batshit any more.

Kathy too, has joined the Crying Crew, making Sid’s demise worse for her and Jamie by choosing this moment to fall out with Kenton. Normally I am not in the least bit sympathetic to Kathy, but it did slightly break my heart when she admitted to Pat that Kenton was ‘like a shell’ when he was with her. How poignant, Kathy, and how true. So remember, if you love someone, set them free. Or try and work it out together. Whichever makes for better radio.

Queen of Sorrow is Jolene, who has been literally struck dumb by the loss of Sid. Her already husky voice has completely disappeared so that, on the rare occasions she does say something, everyone has to turn the volume up to maximum. Only to have their ear-drums blasted out straight after by Fallon’s thousand-decibel reply. Actually, having gone through this several times, I can confidently state there’s no need to adjust the dial: Jolene’s not saying anything of any interest. She’s just sad, basically, and that’s that.

There’s another recent widow in Ambridge. However, in defiance of the norm, Jill is not sobbing into her bread and butter pudding, but skipping round the village like a young calf. If she’s not starring in bizarre cookery videos on Youtube, or offering teen counselling advice to Ruth, she’s chillin’ with Josh down at the beehives. She seems to have blossomed somewhat since Phil took his astronomy interest to the next level and joined the starry constellations. Far be it for me to point up the comparison, but in terms of dragging a partner down, was Phil to Jill what Kathy is to Kenton? I merely raise the question, but would urge Jill, as his mother, to have a word with Kenton about cutting loose. As Jill and Jude seem to understand so clearly, being alone can sometimes be considerably more fun than the alternative.

Posted by Qwerty


Filed under The Archers

15 responses to “The Archers: Everybody Hurts

  1. inkface

    Marvellous Qwerty, as ever. Did Jamie actually say ‘nothing means batshit’ btw?

  2. Qwerty

    Alas no, but you could tell that’s what he meant.

  3. Damn you and your excellent reviewing Qwerty. I’m two omnibuses behind, but couldn’t resist reading to the end. Glad to hear Jude’s buggering off at last though. I had him marked as the first victim of this alleged murderer who is coming (or has already come – I have my suspicions!) to Ambridge this year.

  4. pauseliveaction

    Brilliant. And I don’t even listen to The Archers.

  5. Anne of Green Gables

    Thanks QWERTY for giving me a good laugh – despite your further dig at my friend Hell-en!

    Just one thing… I reckon you are a sesquipedalianist! – Sometimes, you just can’t resist it, can you?

  6. Anne of Green Gables

    Sesquipedalianist — that’s how to spell it.

    Did I spell it that way? (Must have correct spelling!).

    Your website grabbed my comment before I’d finished! Previously it grabbed my comment and lost it (I hope!). Nothing to do with me!

  7. MrB

    Well put, as ever. Glad to hear Pip realise she’d been duped all along by the slimeball Jude. About time. Kathy has, indeed, become the most tedious character of late. I was aggrieved on Kenton’s behalf when she booked him a flight to New Zealand for Sid’s funeral in the week that his new bar opened. What was she thinking?! The relationship is clearly heading down the pan.

  8. inkface

    I realise this is going to make me look rather shallow, but when Lizzie was telling Pip the sad tale of being preggers and then abandoned in a caff by the evil Cameron Fraser, what I was reminded of was how much I fancied him, and how, since then, there hasn’t been a single fanciable man (in my book anyway). Jude was an entirely charm-free zone.

  9. Qwerty

    What nice comments!

    Inky: while you’re quite right that Cameron Fraser was a dishy and dashing cad, (and ditching poor Lizzie in a motorway cafe was his finest hour), I take issue with your suggestion that there’s been no eye-candy (ear-candy?) since. My pash for Brian is well-known, but there’s also been another toothsome bounder in Simon Gerard, not to mention Adam, Kenton, Matt (acquired taste, yes), and several others who I can’t quite bring to mind right now.

    Jo-hat: Really sorry to have pre-empted your omnibus listening. But hey, guess what happened last night: Lilian and Eddie snogged! Not really. Will you tell us who you think the murderer is?

    pla: thank you so much. You MUST give it a try some time, as I would love to know what you think.

    Anne of GG: I had to look that up, but you are indubitably correct.

    Mr B: You do know they’re not real, don’t you hon?

  10. I think it could be Harry. Partly because I have a soft spot for Jazzer and would like to see him vindicated, and partly because he does seem to good to be true. I have a good track record in spotting the bad guy in the Mentalist each week (if I do say so myself), but radio’s a bit trickier, so just watch Harry fill a chalk outline instead now that I’ve voiced my thoughts out loud…

  11. Fanoflinda

    Goodness, I arrive a day late and the whole place is filled with comments. What is there left to say? I liked the way that the Archers managed to deal with the football’s uncertain results by having Jamie say I’d be watching it with Dad whoever was in the final..
    Querty you should publish a ‘little’ book of handy eupanisms for death – pulling pints for saint peter was a stroke of genius.
    As for ms kathy and Kenton – I always presumed that their complete incompatability meant they were bound to stay together, but do think kentons empty shell acting is very realistic.

  12. marzillk

    I do love it when you review The Archers! I listened to Jude dumping Pip by phone twice, so delighted was I that he had finally left the country.

    I thought Pip and David’s awkward chat about the heifer was rather moving, but you made me laugh out loud with the “grooming” question.

    I am intrigued that Jo the Hat thinks Harry might be the murderer. He definitely is too good to be true…

  13. Anne of Green Gables

    Gosh, Fanoflida, I was just about to say that the Kenton/Cathy split – which is clearly about to happen – had come on rather *suddenly.*

    But perhaps I have failed to be my usual perceptive and observant self. Maybe Kenton’s obsession with opening the new club and his refusal to go with Cathy and Jamie to the NZ funeral of Jamie’s dad just exposed more clearly fault-lines in the relationship that were always there?

    As for all this criticism of moaning Cathy… I know Kenton needed to be obsessively absorbed to open his new place – but surely he should have, temporarily at least, put that obsession aside when a family crisis arose with Sid’s death?

    I know what you’ll all say: that obsessions by their nature can’t easily be set aside. Well, maybe dear K should have tried just a little harder!

  14. bristolsteve69

    Blimey! I have only stumbled upon this den of Archerdom today and what a revelation. There is a whole community hanging on every word and witisism uttered by Ambridges finest. Personally I think that Ruth has been the star of the show recently and has kept her inevitable “I told you so” to herself with admirable self control.
    Oh if only I could write and summarise as well as Querty

  15. fanoflinda

    blimey bristolsteve69
    You clearly don’t log into the Archers website on the BBC if you think this lot hang onto every Archer’s word – it is a bit like this without the irony that our Querty brings to the proceedings.
    I have to say I side with you and against Querty on Ruth, she reckons Ruth’s mothering of her teenage daughter is not to be copied. I have to say that if my mother had anything like a tenth of the sense of Ruth, I would have turned out far more sane (though perhaps less interesting).