Celebrity Come Dine With Me: Footballers

Was this a wind up? Did I dream it? It was quite the strangest Come Dine With Me I’ve seen, and lord, there have been some odd shows and even odder contestants. The food was universally the worst I’ve ever seen. A horror show of bad cooking from men who clearly never cook (and with wives who are younger, slimmer and prettier than them). It was the day spaghetti bolognese (which even done well, makes any self-respecting Italian wince) died and went to hell.

The show kicked off with a naked, quite large, ex-footballer (Neil Ruddock) opening the door to John Fashanu, wearing a butchers’ apron and a smile. He had gone to some trouble to make a vinaigrette, (although pronouncing it was another thing altogether) to be served on avocado halves. Then he ignored it and just poured Sarson’s neat vinegar on instead. My mouth puckered up in pain involuntarily. Elizabeth David was turning on a spit in her grave.

But even in this crucible of food horrors, I learnt a few things, but none of them related to anything edible. John Fashanu is not, apparently, a very nice man. Bitchy about Ruddock’s increased girth since giving up playing the beautiful game. Full of himself for no apparent reason, with a belief in his cooking abilities not born out by his mediocre food. On his evening, he said he didn’t drink, but was sipping pudding wine in the kitchen, then he served room temperature white wine to his guests, then later, for no apparent reason, chilled red. Alice Through the Wine Merchant’s Looking Glass.

The amusing/ironic voiceover from Dave Lamb was superfluous for once. You just needed to watch and gawp. In the previous World Cup special, we’d seen the lives and homes of the immaculate and contemporary young WAGs (who admittedly couldn’t cook for toffee either, except when it was toffee from condensed milk). I hope they watched this and saw their future. Get yourselves a decent career is my advice. Watch Karren Brady and learn. Don’t hitch yourself to the career footballer bandwagon, else you too could end up housekeeper to one of this lot in twenty years time.

Posted by Inkface


Filed under Cooking shows

5 responses to “Celebrity Come Dine With Me: Footballers

  1. THIS is why I can’t stand football – because it contaminates everything else. Even Doctor Who – and I do bloody love Doctor Who – had sodding football in it this week. Those of us with zero interest in the game are seeking sanctuary from its monopoly in proper telly – we don’t want noral stuff mucked up by World Cup themed rubbish.
    I tell you, if ‘soccer’ turns up in Burn Notice or The Mentalist in the next couple of weeks, you’ll be hearing my anguished screams all the way over there in Inkface Towers…

    • inkface

      Oh dear, you sound a bit footie claustrophobic. I loved Matt Smith playing football, it was my favourite bit, and I quite enjoy programmes that reference football during the world cup -even 8 of of 10 cats, and I normally hate Jimmy Carr. Don’t know why. Perhaps it’s cos I work with footie obsessed men and these programmes give me a shortcut to being more informed!

      • My loathing of football is, I admit, rather irrational. I feel the same way about skiing holidays.
        I think it’s something about the way football fans/skiers assume that you couldn’t possibly not enjoy their favourite thing. And won’t just take ‘no’ for an answer. Whereas, if someone says they don’t like Doctor Who (the FREAKS!), I just accept that it’s their loss.
        (This doesn’t include the wierdos on CiF who bitch about how Who hasn’t been right since they started showing it in colour, or whatever. I will continue to bait them – a girl’s got to have a hobby!)

  2. pauseliveaction

    I thought this was the funniest CDWM in ages. John Fashanu is clearly as mad as a balloon.

  3. ivan Gleave

    Please please tell me that this will be relesed on DVD cos these 4 nutters had me rotflmfao luved it,and want to see it again.
    Crazy TV at its best.

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