I couldn’t understand why Bill shlepped all the way over to Queen Sophie-Ann’s pad to find out about maenads. He was forced to hang round for hours while she lazily teased him, breaking off from Greek mythology lessons to slag him off for his restricted diet of Sookie, and insisting – by far the cruellest touch – that he play Yahtzee, a game of mind-numbing tedium. My question to Bill is this: why didn’t you just look up ‘maenad’ on Wikipedia? It would have saved you a ton of trouble.
Meanwhile, Sam asked Eric for help with Maryann – this crazy situation is producing some weird bedfellows – and bizarrely, Eric also set off to see the Queen, the Wonderful Queen of Oz. Even if Eric, like your grandpa, is too old to get his head round the internet, surely Pam could help?
Any road up, the vampires all swanned about Sophie-Ann’s, which resembled the sort of house they put The Apprentice candidates in, to demonstrate the glitzy naff Essex lifestyle they won’t be enjoying any time soon. Meanwhile, Lafayette and Sookie were having to keep Tara locked up with Lafayette’s fluffy handcuffs. Lord knows I was happy to be on the porch with Sook and Laf, ready to face any kind of monster, rather than inside with the snivelling Lettie Mae. Why can’t she get eaten or de-hearted or just go on a nice long vacation? Spare me any more of her eye-rolling, god-bothering, lip-smacking nonsense. Anyway, Tara knew just how to manipulate her, and soon she was free and hightailing it off to find Eggs, while poor traumatised Lafayette cowered at the sight of Lettie Mae pointing a rifle at him. Or as Lafayette himself said, ‘Oh hell, what now?’ It was worth the price of admission to see Eric in a blouse and skirt.
Luckily, Lettie Mae is as stupid as all get out, so stupid in fact that Sookie seems a towering brainiac in comparison, and easily overpowered her. Driving away, Lafayette asked Sookie what she could see in Maryann’s brain (‘She was thinking creepy foreign stuff’), and it struck me that they were rather charming together. If Sookie wasn’t so totally into dead people, and if Lafayette wasn’t gay, they would make a lovely couple.
Another lovely couple, Jason and Andy, armed themselves with police-issue guns and agreed to work together as pals. This despite Andy professing jealousy for Jason’s success with the laydeez, and Jason insisting it didn’t come easy: ‘I work out like a motherf**ker and I watch a lot of porn to learn stuff’. Their conversation is one gem after another:
Jason: ‘Could Sam be a chicken and lay his own egg then eat it?’ Andy: ‘What kind of perverted brain would even think of something like that?’
Eric and Bill had a mano-a-mano face-off on Sophie-Ann’s patio, which she described as ‘alpha-male posturing. Why don’t the two of you just f**k each other and get it over with? I could watch.’ You and every other woman in the Western World, Soph. Eric pointed out – you might have worked this out already but I am as dim as Lettie Mae – that Bill had early on encouraged Sookie to drink his blood. Was this, then, the source of Sookie’s attraction to Bill, rather than his fascinating, devil-may-care personality?
Sam took care of Arlene’s frightened kids, which somehow entailed introducing them to Eric at Fangtasia. Don’t remember Penelope Leach recommending that as a childcare option, Sam. Eric was rather taken with the kids (‘They’re like miniature teacup humans’), and obligingly showed them his fangs, though clearly would like to show them his fangs disobligingly at a later date.
Hoyt had a bad day, arguing with Jessica just because she’d tried to feast on his mother. Honestly Hoyt, where would we be if we all argued with our partners over such trivia? He took Maxine back home but she roamed the kitchen, tormenting him as much as usual, though in a different way. She revealed that his beloved daddy had not been shot by intruders but had killed himself (and we could all see why). Bit worried about what Jessica will do now. Also worried about Hoyt. And Maxine. It’s one damn worry after another.
The weird bedfellows theme continued inside Sookie’s house, as she was obliged to lie on the kitchen floor and be cuddled by a super-creepy Mike Spencer, who’d earlier been seen dancing butt-naked round the garden. He talked so much even Sookie got fed up, snapping, ‘Let’s cut the foreplay’, and leaped on top. Once again, she relied on the element of surprise and the clever tactic of hitting someone over the head with a hard implement. Lettie Mae got a garden statue and Mike Spencer a frying pan. Alas, it was out of the frying pan and into another frying pan; just as Sookie stumbled upon a crazed black-eyed Tara and Eggs, a hand fell upon her shoulder. It was Lafayette’s, but now his eyes, too, were black as night. Sookie let out an earth-shattering scream. And so did I, when I realised just how many ends will have to be tied up for next week’s finale.
Posted by Qwerty (See all True Blood posts here)