Sookie and Jason were only gone a few days, but they returned to find Bon Temps in chaos: litter everywhere, drunken people staggering in front of cars, huge edifices of rotting meat hanging from hooks. It was nearly as bad as outside Essex Kebab and Pizza in Basildon on a Saturday night, but Sookie barely noticed. She was too distracted by sexy dreams of Eric, despite her beloved Bill by her side. Admittedly he was lying in a coffin which made it harder to concentrate on his charms.
They found Tara, tied to a chair but still spitting and being mean, undergoing what Lafayette described as ‘the worst intervention in history’. Sookie and Bill used a double-act of their glamour/ telepathy talents to remove her black contact-lenses. Tara resisted for a while, with Lafayette deploying increasingly desperate one-liners, such as, ‘if ever there was a time to listen to a white man, Tara, this is it.’ Finally, in a burst of superb special effects, Tara’s black eyes disappeared. She was then so full of remorse, even hugging Lettie Mae, that I wished she would fall under Maryann’s influence again.
Bill and Sookie went to see what kind of mess Maryann had made of Sookie’s house. Answer: a reasonable amount. Sookie will probably want to get professionals in. Bill munched Maryann, then wished he hadn’t, as her blood was black and yucky-tasting. But Sookie warded her off with a strange new power, a lighting-up hand, which puzzled Maryann as much as the rest of us. ‘What are you?’ Maryann kept asking Sookie, and my mind reeled with sarcastic replies.
On the way home Bill, full of bravado, despite spitting up black blood, said, ‘I will kill her!’ ‘Good’, said Sookie. Then underminingly added, ‘how?’
Meanwhile, Jason, my new favourite, cried, ‘This here is the war I’ve been training for’, and stormed to Merlottes to rescue Sam with a nail-gun. Gotta love his reliance on fake guns: it was a paint-gun last time. The town rent-a-mob were addled by their black eyed-ness, which stopped them seeing too well. This was handy, as when Jason stood on a car roof and declared himself the God That Comes, disguised only with a gas mask, everyone was taken in. Especially once Andy shoved some twigs behind Jason’s head in lieu of horns. In the midst of the tension, we were gifted the most hilarious True Blood scene ever: Sam hissing, ‘Smite me!’ and Jason, bewildered by the biblical language, hissing to Andy, ‘What’s he saying?’ Eventually Jason smote Sam, kind of by going ‘Zap!’ with his hands, and was more astonished than anyone when Sam disappeared. Completely convinced, the mob staggered off to report to Maryann, who presumably was not best pleased.
At Bill’s place, Jessica and Hoyt’s cosy evening was ruined by were having to babysit Hoyt’s Mum Maxine, who’s a handful at the best of times. This wasn’t one of those times. Jessica finally lost it and started feeding on her. Possibly not the ideal end to a successful date.
Everyone agreed that Maryann was bad with a capital B, and Bill went off to get help from a queen. This is the first we’ve heard of vampire royalty, and we don’t know anything about her yet, other than she lives in a Chigwell-style mansion with beefy bouncers on the door. Bill cut an impressive figure as he strode through her water-featured garden, reminding us not only of the Chelsea Flower Show, but also why Sookie likes him. Let’s hope that Sookie remembers this too, next time Eric pops up in one of her dreams.
When Maryann’s mob had dispersed, Sam reappeared, having been flitting round as a fly. Now he was starkers but for an inadequate apron round his waist, reminding me of the actors in a weird French film I saw as a teenager. I love it that Sam, Jason and Andy are the ‘A’ Team in Bon Temps. They had a superb moment when Sam and Andy were discussing Daphne. Jason, having been at Christian Boot Camp, had missed out on her brief sojourn. ‘There’s a new waitress at Merlottes?’ he enquired, his eyes alight. Yeah, Jase, but like almost all the other waitresses in this crazy town, she is now very dead, having been de-hearted and dumped in the deep freeze. Unlike all the others, she failed to shag you first.
Jason is just sheer indestructible gung-ho fun. If he can beat the Christians, he can beat anything.
Posted by Qwerty. (See all True Blood posts here)