Daily Archives: April 30, 2010

True Blood 210: Bon Temps, Basildon of the South

Bon Temps got a much-needed touch of class

Sookie and Jason were only gone a few days, but they returned to find Bon Temps in chaos: litter everywhere, drunken people staggering in front of cars, huge edifices of rotting meat hanging from hooks. It was nearly as bad as outside Essex Kebab and Pizza in Basildon on a Saturday night, but Sookie barely noticed. She was too distracted by sexy dreams of Eric, despite her beloved Bill by her side. Admittedly he was lying in a coffin which made it harder to concentrate on his charms.

They found Tara, tied to a chair but still spitting and being mean, undergoing what Lafayette described as ‘the worst intervention in history’. Sookie and Bill used a double-act of their glamour/ telepathy talents to remove her black contact-lenses. Tara resisted for a while, with Lafayette deploying increasingly desperate one-liners, such as, ‘if ever there was a time to listen to a white man, Tara, this is it.’ Finally, in a burst of superb special effects, Tara’s black eyes disappeared. She was then so full of remorse, even hugging Lettie Mae, that I wished she would fall under Maryann’s influence again.

Bill and Sookie went to see what kind of mess Maryann had made of Sookie’s house. Answer: a reasonable amount. Sookie will probably want to get professionals in. Bill munched Maryann, then wished he hadn’t, as her blood was black and yucky-tasting. But Sookie warded her off with a strange new power, a lighting-up hand, which puzzled Maryann as much as the rest of us. ‘What are you?’ Maryann kept asking Sookie, and my mind reeled with sarcastic replies.

On the way home Bill, full of bravado, despite spitting up black blood, said, ‘I will kill her!’ ‘Good’, said Sookie. Then underminingly added, ‘how?’

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Leaders’ Debate: An airhead’s view

I felt rather forced into watching the election debate last night by my other half, who accused me of not paying enough attention to the biggest decision this country has faced in a long time. Actually, I know all about making decisions. I am in the middle of making one right now. It’s getting warmer and it’s time to decide… will it be Gladiator sandals, flip flops or ballet pumps this summer? Anyway, I decided to show him I could take an interest in the Live Debate and besides, I love anything with Ant and Dec hosting.

After I had recovered from the initial disappointment that Ant and Dec weren’t  hosting and that the audience weren’t allowed to boo anything they didn’t like, I started to listen to what these three men were saying. My husband asked if I even knew the names of the party leaders, which of course I do.  David Cameron reminds me of my slimy Geography teacher; Nick Clegg looks like the dishy bloke who sold me my Renault Clio… crook… (car man not Nick Clegg); Gordon Brown looks like Crazy Bob from the pub who sings karaoke in his slippers. So now I have proved I know who they are, I feel I can comment on their policies and give my opinion on them.

To show I take an interest, I had a read of the campaign posters in the city on my way to Primark (jeggings £3). I must say though, I don’t think those with a picture of Gordon Brown’s face and the words “I took millions of pounds from pensioners last year, let me do it again” is a very good slogan for someone wanting to be Prime Minister again. Then after seeing the news from Rochdale on Wednesday, I realised he really does have it in for pensioners doesn’t he?

Last week there were discussions about Foreign Policies. Well I think we should deal with our own policies before we start bothering about theirs. So what did tonight’s debate have in store?

Tax Credits were mentioned, but no one seemed to admit if they were going to cut them, keep them or abolish them. I think the question that should be asked about tax credits is how do you fill in the huge and very complicated form correctly, so that in a month’s time they don’t ask for the money back, because (like me) you filled it in wrong and told them you had 13 children?

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Prime Ministerial Debate: Cameron gets his Clegg over

This was an odd one.  To be frank it bored the pants off me. They were all practised and smoothed off to within an inch of their lives. They were all, for different reasons, scared to put a foot wrong. It therefore never caught light. The differences were minute. Frankly, at points I was more concerned about the Liverpool result over on C5.

But, but, but …. the Institute for Fiscal Studies are right – the depth of the financial gap we are facing as a country is immense, and here they were footling about arguing over £6 billion here and there:  all it takes is saving of just 1p in the £1?  Cock.  If the voters take this supposed economic debate as setting out the reality ahead, you’re in for the rudest awakening since Chamberlain’s paper waving after Munich.

But, whisper it, this was the one where I started to get what the Clegg attraction was all about. I started to fall under the influence.  I started to warm to his apparent ordinary chapness. Pity for all those who really think he is different. He’s a politician, just one who’s not been near a sniff of actual power until TV turned this election upside down 2 weeks ago.

Cameron still seems botoxed to within an inch of his life. If he is destined for No 10, I’m going to hate him as much as his predecessors. He even managed to look Prime Ministerial, scary balloon clown that he is. I await the evolution of Steve Bell’s cartoon of the man I fear will be our next PM, God help us all.

Gordon Brown looked absolutely knackered. With his dreams haunted by Mrs Duffy and his bigot-gate disaster, he seems like a punched out boxer who’s still got the mechanical moves but his eyes are dulled. I think people are starting to feel sorry for him – and that’s fatal. Continue reading


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