Coronation Street: The homing child, and other stories

My word it was all kicking off in Coronation Street last night. Which other street in the space of an hour can boast a missing child, a funeral, an arrest for murder, a pregnancy announcement, a first date, a factory takeover and the return of a much-loved resident from a very long cruise?

Little Simon Barlow went AWOL on a trip to Blackpool with his Granddad George, after overhearing George’s intention not to let Simon’s alcoholic dad Peter anywhere near him ever again. Against the odds (the fact that he’s miserable, grumpy, chaotic and looks like he smells unpleasant), Simon is very fond of Peter, so off he trotted to lose himself among the fairground attractions of the pleasure capital of the north.

You can imagine all sorts of terrible fates awaiting a six year old under these circumstances, and that’s exactly what his various relatives were doing. The hunt for him was frantic and forlorn, and after searching all night, Peter, Leanne, Ken and Deirdre retreated home to Weatherfield to await news.

Then there was a knock on the door. Simon. He’d only managed to navigate his way from Blackpool to Manchester and then Weatherfield by himself! “How did you buy a ticket?” his elders wanted to know. Simon rolled his eyes. “Have you never heard of ticket machines?” Scriptwriters, darlings, have you never heard of plausibility? It was all a tiny bit lazy, but there was so much going on elsewhere that there wasn’t really time to ponder it. We were just all glad the wee mite was home safely.

Talking of wee mites, Molly is currently With Child (I don’t mean she’s started hanging out with Amy Barlow because no-one else will talk to her, I mean she’s pregnant). Kevin is presumed to be the father of the child, as he and Molly were at it like rabbits in motels and lay-bys just before Christmas, but I wouldn’t rule out Tyrone either. Karaoke can be a powerful aphrodisiac.

Anyway, Kevin’s response to the news was typically gracious. “Get rid!” he recommended, and said he’d pay for a private get-riddance, but if Molly decided to keep the baby he’d want nowt to do wi’ it. “You’d make a great father!” Molly protested, trying to block out of her mind the inconvenient truth that he already is one.

It was Joe’s funeral. Tina didn’t want Gail there, but she turned up anyway, and when Tina left the church to have a cry, Gail stepped up to deliver the eulogy that Tina had been going to do. This didn’t sit well with Tina, who called the police and told them Gail had asked her to lie about Joe.

Having just buried her husband, Gail was arrested for his murder. She’s being probed in a police station by the officer with the eyebrows and the officer with the stubble, and you can tell she’s super-emotional because she’s started talking super-quietly and super-slowly. If the case goes to trial, the court is going to need maximum amplification to make out what she’s saying.

Meanwhile, Carla had her first date with the bin-man. She’s not put off by his manual profession (“Working class roots, me,” she told him, telling her whippet to get under the table and rearranging her cloth cap to a jaunty angle). In my opinion she ought to be put off by the way he looks. He’s got a great big balloon head. I can’t quite believe that anyone who has known the pleasures of Liam Connor would settle for that.

While Carla was flirting with bin-head in the pub, Kelly and Nick Tilsley were engaged in a spot of industrial spying in her knicker factory. This has given Nick the information he needs to be able to make Carla an offer she can’t refuse. But will Tony Gordon agree?

And in the middle of all this, Rita arrived back from her cruise. Her arrival, which would normally herald much banner waving and cheering, and possibly a small parade with marching bands, baton twirlers and the occasional elephant, passed almost unnoticed. There was just too much going on.

Posted by PLA          (see all Corrie posts)

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2 responses to “Coronation Street: The homing child, and other stories

  1. inkface

    ‘engaged in a spot of industrial spying in her knicker factory’ Is this a fabulous corrie euphemism?