Lustbox: look at the wits on that

arialbold in a manful attempt to provide some balance as the female hormones run rampant in the PLA lustbox has been contemplating how to post without being labelled lumpenly sexist.

While male TV stars can be freely drooled over, doing the same in relation to the female equivalent strays dangerously into gratuitous lechery.

Something to do with power imbalances, post-modern feminism, or simply getting away with it since they can. The sensitive middle-class man just can’t position himself safely on this.

Clearly one must avoid anyone who is superficially attractive – no Racquel Welshes, natch. 

But they can’t be too worthily plain either else you’re not really being honest – this is lustbox, not worthyadmirationbox. 

And god forbid you go for the conventional cliched candidates – so Nigella is out.

Perhaps then you need to balance it all up with a goodly amount of wit and/or quirkiness – more Pamela Stephenson than Pamela Anderson.

So here’s my top of the head list:





  • Sue Perkins: mostly for her weirdly named Supersizers Go series with Giles Coren. Anyone who can debauch their way through that many banquets and remain witty and self-deprecating has to rate high.
  • Tamsin Greig: the only voice that made the Archers worth listening too, Black Books a place to work in and Green Wing sexual tension believable.
  • Lois Griffin: you see if Mr Benn can be up there don’t see why we can’t have a female cartoon character.
  • Emily Maitlis: only because in real life I remember her when she was a spotty teenager, and it never fails to entertain me to see her as an intellectual news siren.

Err … you see I can’t even produce more than a short sentence, since my brain goes – “I’ve been trained not to do this, please stop this now”.  A little like HAL in 2001, if I try to keep going my brain will have to take over and kill myself. 

To be honest you can see my heart isn’t really in it. I just can’t playfully kick around the objectification of women on TV, weighed down by years of lack of experience of sexist banter.

Chalk this one up to the wimpbox – I just can’t do it.


Filed under Lustbox

16 responses to “Lustbox: look at the wits on that

  1. pauseliveaction

    “Tamsin Greig: the only voice that made… Green Wing sexual tension believable.”

    Tamsin for the chaps, Julian Rhind-Tutt for the girls. Equal opportunities sexual tension.

    • arialbold

      The only problem with Mr R-T is the silly surname. Sounds like an obscure botanic disease which citrus fruit are prone to develop in damp climates.

      But you can of course add him to the ladies side of the box (must be getting a little cramped over there).

      • pauseliveaction

        Maybe I should rescue Mr Rhind-Tutt by getting a quickie divorce from Mr PLA then marrying him. He’d be Julian Live-Action then. Which is perfect for a career in porn.

      • Qwerty

        The horse has bolted with Mr Qwerty. By the time I got to him, he already fancied everyone. Particularly women who made a strong impression on his youthful mind in the 70’s, such as Lyndsey de Paul and Julie Covington. Just about the only woman in public life he doesn’t admire is, rather contrarily, Kate Moss.

        Arialbold, I can’t believe you put that inflammatory comment about Tamsin’s voice being the only one worth listening to in the Archers. Even putting the men aside (Oh Joe! Oh Brian!) , how can you discount Jolene’s sexy mid-West/Brum dialect, or Clary’s West Country burr?

      • arialbold

        Because Clary’s voice conjures up images of a rather dim hamster – and Jolene makes me think of Noddy Holder (which is about as far from being desirable as one can get).

        Hope Mr Qwerty returns safely from his gallops.

      • pauseliveaction

        He’s possibly galloping across Dartmoor with Rufus Sewell.

      • arialbold

        Just spotted on Google that the future Mr Live-Action and I share a birthday. We have so much in common (except for being born in West Drayton – I would never stoop to doing such a thing).

  2. inkface

    I asked a colleague at work once if he fancied Sarah Beeny. His answer was ‘I’m not allowed to. My wife says I’m only allowed to fancy Sue Perkins’

    • arialbold

      At risk of turning this into the four Yorkshiremen’s sketch, he was lucky to be allowed to fancy Sue Perkins; I think I’m allowed Sue Pollard.

      • pauseliveaction

        Sue Perkins is gay, isn’t she?

        Mr PLA is allowed to fancy Connie Beauchamp, Shirley Schmidt, Claudia Winkelman and Davina McCall.

  3. inkface

    I call your Shirley Schmidt and double you Susan Sarandon, Joan from Mad Men and Julianne Moore in anything

    • arialbold

      Hang on, you see you’re now claiming all the women too! And I imagine I can’t even safely make jokes like preferring Julianne Moore in nothing … what is a boy to do?

      • pauseliveaction

        I’m not claiming all the women for myself, I’m letting Mr PLA have them. I’d be content just with Jodie Foster.

  4. Bless you Arialbold. I wish Mr the Hat had your sensibilities. I really don’t mind him fancying Kate from NCIS (Sasha Alexander), but it’s the running commentary on the ‘fatness’ of female bottoms and legs that can ruin a night’s viewing. Especially when there’s barely an ounce of excess flesh actually to be seen (well, on the actresses at least).

  5. inkface

    Oh do stop whinging arialbold. I was putting a list of women out that I like men to admire

    • arialbold

      Ah – in which case I humbly apologise, and by way of recompense suggest we allow an extension to the lustbox, adding a lustannex to cope with the sudden influx of admirable lustees, male and female. If only Mrs Arialbold was as understanding as Inkface.

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