Lustbox: Peter Capaldi

I’m sure he’s a very nice, polite man in real life. But that’s not what we want, is it, ladies? No! We want him as scabrously foul-mouthed Malcolm Tucker in The Thick of It, cutting a divine swathe through crap civil servants and hapless ministers with a flash of his forked tongue. He’s scared of no-one. He’s the smartest man in the room, and he’s everywhere, all the time, all at once. His skinny formmalcolm, topped by that beaky, yet oddly attractive head, materialises silently just at the moment when everyone realises they’ve made another fine mess.

‘Hell, does he know?’ they say, and turn around to find him standing heart-attack close, toying with a smile as, first quietly, then noisily, he verbally breaks every limb, then hurls their quivering form to the floor. His stream-of-consciousness insults are layered and frosted with the most impressive feats of swearing ever achieved (Guinness Book of Records confirms this). Even when he’s pleased about something, he looks like he’s going to swallow someone’s head. It’s a moot point whether he’s more terrifying if he’s for you or against you. Both are very bad.

Andrew Marr famously said that The Thick of It was like real government, only with less swearing.  Listening to Malcolm paying back the compliment – ‘I’m fucking all ears. I’m fucking Andrew Marr here’ – one wonders how that’s possible.

It’s his focus, his intensity, his absolute in-the-moment commitment to the thing he’s trying to sort out that appeals. That and the swearing. Which of us has not longed to be as uncensored as Malcolm? To truly say what we think all day, every day, even when – especially when – those thoughts are violent and psychotic? Who among us does not dream of answering a colleague’s knock on the door with Malcolm’s sociable greeting, ‘Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off’?

 Malcolm, we salute you. We love you. Yeah. Okay. We’re quite scared of you.

Posted by Qwerty


Filed under Lustbox

6 responses to “Lustbox: Peter Capaldi

  1. inkface

    I once had an optician like Tucker, but shorter, Welsher and more gingery. He terrified us all into quaking student heaps of jelly by shining his wee torch into our eyes and screaming ‘you haven’t cleaned these lenses properly AT ALL have you???’ It was years later we realised his wife worked out front in the specs bit. She was a gorgeous 6ft amazon, and when he got snippy, I saw her flash him with magnificent eyes and he went from being tyrant to pussycar in a second, subsiding meekly back into his little room. I think Tucker’s the same. He just needs a good woman with a firm hand to keep him in his place. I’ve got the whips. I could so do it…

  2. Qwerty

    Fight you for him Inkface!

  3. pauseliveaction

    So who’s going to be first to put Alan Shore (James Spader) from Boston Legal in the Lustbox? I feel it’s a job for Inkface… then Qwerty can have Malcolm. There – everyone happy.

  4. inkface

    Ah what a lovely duty that will be. I shall go to bed thinking of that deliciously filthy pervert with his bottle of maple syrup. Really, nobody does sexy lechery quite like Alan Shore. I’ll be back…

  5. Eilis

    I enjoy Tucker but there is so so much more to Peter Capaldi and I couldn’t be more pleased that he’s to be the new Doctor.