We arrive as Sookie’s being kicked almost to death by the Rattrays (booo!) As she lies inert, covered in blood – an awful lot of blood in this show, they must have to constantly nip out for more ketchup – the Rattrays cackle in such an over-the-top way that I realise I’m not going to be able to stand them being around much longer.
Well, I’ll go to the foot of our stairs if not ten minutes later they are daid, as the local pronunciation has it, daid as a doornail. In fact that’s how they were killed, allegedly – a tornado loosened all the doornails from their house, which then fell on them, splatting them good and proper like the Wicked Witch of the East. Of course it wasn’t no tornado, as even the slow-witted cops suspect, but Sookie’s vampire friend Bill. He it was who saved her and healed her wounds, not by taking her to the emergency room but by the complementary medicine technique of whispering ‘Sssssoooook-ayyyy’ as he bit off a piece of his arm and let her suck the blood from his veins (‘six more bottles of ketchup, quick!’) Then he it was, who, respecting my desire to see no more hammy histrionics from the Rattrays, killed them and stuck the flattened house on top. I have a lot to thank Bill for.
My only worry is that Bill confessed to Sookie that he sucked the Rattray’s blood before (or after? Am hazy on vampire procedure), he clipped them. Now does that mean they will become vampires too, or are they just properly daid? I need to know, because if they coming back as undeads, I’ll have to switch channels while they chew up the scenery with their fangs.
At first I was surprised they were dispatched as they were the main baddies, but actually there are going to be tons of other baddies in the form of vampires who are not as nice as Bill. This week’s cliff-hanger ended with Sookie being surrounded by three chic-ly dressed fang-suckers at a party, whose over-acting was so appalling they could have done with a little master class on understatement from the Rattrays.
Meanwhile an uninteresting subplot saw Jason released from custody for the murder of the naughty lady. Her sexy video showed she’d just pretended to be daid till he ran out sobbing. Foolishly, she turned off the video, then someone – or something – crept in and really did kill her. Happens all the time, I guess. Another dull theme saw Jason’s latest squeeze going off to work, leaving him tied to the bed. If I was shagging Jason I too would tie him up and then quietly move to another country. There’s something about him that renders his scenes completely boring, even the ones the announcer warns you about, the explicit sex and violence right from the start. Whenever he wanders on screen, you mark time till Sookie, Bill, or my current favourite, Tara, come back. Tara seems to be acting in a different show as she has more than one personality trait. The only unconvincing thing about her is that she has the hots for Jason. You’re too good for him, girlfriend!
The big action this week was Sookie and Bill. She told him, via sepia coloured flashbacks, how she had always been telepathic – except with him – and he told her a bit about his life in the 1850s. Considering how long he’s lived compared to her, he should have had a bigger share of the time, but she went on for hours about her damn childhood. He managed to tell her he was doing up his old family home, but that it was slow going because electricians wouldn’t return his calls. Hey, you and me both, Bill. It’s nothing to do with being a vampire, believe me. Wait till you want a plumber. You’re gonna need to be immortal for that one.
Sookie took Bill home for tea, where her sycophantic grandmother asked him about the Civil War, Tara got riled up about slavery, and Jason tried to be menacing but looked instead like a Spongebob Squarepants flannel. When he and Bill stood eye to eye with Sookie’s honour and indeed, her very life in the balance, it was no contest. The dead man won, fifteen bottles of ketchup to one. Then Sookie and Bill kissed, and we all had to go put our faces in the fridge to cool off.
Posted by Qwerty