Monthly Archives: June 2009

Big Brother: I kissed Noirin and I liked it

noirin-kelly-bb10Whatever Noirin Kelly has, if she bottled it and sold it she’d be a millionaire in double-quick time. In the Big Brother house, people are falling over themselves to fall in love with Noirin.

The latest is Angel. It apparently wasn’t shown on telly, among all the dirty dancing with Halfwit and so on, but she snogged Noirin – and she liked it. It was too soon to call it love, she confessed in the diary room (video of that here), but it was physical as well as emotional – and also, she felt, reciprocal. Whatever it is, it’s making Angel go a bit quiet. This is Angel’s usual reaction to falling in love, she admitted.

She reckons that Lisa, being a lesbian, has also spotted the chemistry between herself and the damsel from Dublin, and she’s a bit worried about Lisa’s reaction. I’m more interested in Angel’s reaction to those twin sleazebags Marcus and Sree. They think they only have each other to worry about, but they’re total lightweights compared to Angel.

Meanwhile, Halfwit is worrying that Angel fancies him, although he admitted that their kissing the other night would have gone a lot further if they hadn’t been in the BB house. Or not, since Ms McKenzie’s thoughts were apparently elsewhere.

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Big Brother: filthy and delicious


Watching Angel winding herself lasciviously around Halfwit in her creative interpretation of a ‘birthday dance’ was so profoundly filthy and delicious that it had every housemate goggled-eyed. I’m sure sex with her would be extraordinary. I’m not sure you’d survive the experience, and I can’t help but wonder if it would be worth it even so.

There is something unearthly and fragile about Angel, and I’ve come to rather adore her. She’s so much smarter and more interesting than everyone in the house, it’s as if she’s from another planet rather than continent. I fear she’ll not last long, and not just because of the hunger strike. I see beautiful madness in her, with moments of fleeting and unexpected joy that remind me of glimpsing a kingfisher, especially the graceful unabashed skinny dip. The absolute antithesis of the usual plastic tit and peroxide extension waving we’re used to by the pool. I love the way she made, for an unfeasibly long time, the really annoying mouth-comb noise my brother used to make playing war games whilst the blocked sink water slowly drained. Sree begged her to stop and she ignored him with aplomb: “I’m helping the water go down.” I loved her solo birthday party in the diary room with Russian dolls. Hearing her speak her native language was quite delicious. And when she said in the Diary Room recently that one day she “might paint the Big Brother house with my blood” you knew that housemates could wake to find exactly that.

[posted by Inkface]

(photo from Angel’s website)

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Big Brother: Charlie spreads some joy

charlie-drummond-bbI’ve changed my opinion about Charlie over the last couple of days. At first I had him down as a generic Geordie charmer, all twinkly eyes and high opinion of himself and his pulling power.

It was the sight of him in spandex leggings with earphones clamped to his head, forehead furrowed in concentration as he attempted to execute some knee bends for the Ole Bamboo task that made me look at him differently. He looked all sweet and funny. And gorgeous legs, too. We also had a glimpse of him in a little pink tutu the other night. Lovely legs, beautiful posture. Very pretty boy.

Last night he was obvously feeling in the mood for love, but unlike Marcus and Sree, he doesn’t convey this by creepily perving over people. He seems to be the rare sort of person for whom sex is a treat, fun for everyone concerned and nothing to do with hang-ups, guilt or power games. He flirted with Angel first, lying on top of her and giving her gentle little kisses on her face and hands, making her laugh (not so easy with Angel). Imagine Marcus doing the same thing – or rather, don’t. You have to have the easy charm and confidence in yourself that Charlie has to get away with that sort of behaviour, but more than that you have to be sensitive to the effect you have on other people.

Having cheered Angel up, Charlie moved on to a spot of flirting with Halfwit. Halfwit said if he was an animal he’d be a cat. Charlie stuck Halfwit’s daft furry hat on his head, and said he’d be a lion. You could see Halfwit run the possible scenarios through his mind, but while he was still pondering the thrill of being pounced on by a cuddly Geordie, Charlie retired happily to bed, his joy-spreading over for the evening.

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Robin Hood: the return of the Sheriff of Nottingham

keith-allen-richard-armitagThe final part of this series of Robin Hood is a two-parter (final part next Saturday), and it’s just as well we have a week to recover because I was a gibbering wreck by the end of this one.

Talk about developments… We had Robin, Guy and Much up to their necks in gravel in a secret tunnel under the castle.  We had Kate getting all broken-hearted because she thought Robin was in love with Isabella (as if).

Excitingly, we had the discovery that Archer is not only a good archer, he’s also a ninja. Hurrah! There just aren’t enough ninjas on telly on a Saturday night.

Even more excitingly – remember when Guy of Gisborne killed the Sheriff of Nottingham (the Keith Allen version)? And we saw the Sheriff’s hand twitch? We kind of guessed he wasn’t dead, but he’s taken a while to reappear. When he turned up last night he did it in style, with a flag-waving, horse-riding army behind him. This is truly thrilling news. With Gisborne almost on the side of the angels these days, we’ve been missing a proper dose of eye-shadow-wearing, snarling camp menace.

There was tragedy, too – Alan was killed by the Sheriff’s men, which is bound to pitch the Merry Men into a state of unmerry guilt because the reason Alan was on his own was that Isabella had tricked them into thinking he was a traitor.

So how will it all shake out? Will Gisborne continue to be a Merry Man? Will Archer throw his ninja skills in with the outlaws? Will Kate cheer up?

Tune in next week to find out.

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Big Brother: ratings plummet, desperate measures contemplated

alex-sibleyApparently no-one’s watching Big Brother this year (apart from me and Inkface, obviously). Ratings have been tumbling, the bookmakers have detected a couldn’t care less attitude come eviction night, and generally you can start to hear the tumbleweed rolling through Borehamwood.

In an attempt to inject some excitement into the proceedings (yes, even more excitement than Charlie in lycra leggings), the Star is reporting that all the former Big Brother winners will be brought into the house on 14 July (the anniversary of the first ever BB) for a special task.

Then you read the roll call of the glittering personalities who’ve won Big Brother over the years.

According to the Star: “Sexy Kate Lawler, 29, ex-trolley dolly Brian Dowling, 31, brickie Craig Phillips, 37, and Portuguese trans-sexual Nadia Almada, 32, will return on a mission to boost ratings. And they will be joined by fellow winners Cameron Stout, 38, Anthony Hutton, 27, Tourette’s sufferer Pete Bennett, 27, dopey Brian Belo, 21, and last year’s champion Rachel Rice, 25.”

Still my beating heart! Cameron Stout and Brian Belo? Rachel Rice and Kate Lawler? That lot make Halfwit and Angel sound like top-class entertainment in comparison. When I think of previous BB’s I think of people like the hideously cute cleanliness freak Alex Sibley, Nasty Nick, Federico, Nicky Grahame. The only thing that made Anthony Hutton interesting the year he won was the very, very creepy Craig who had an obsessive crush on him. And of course you have to think of poor Jade, the most famous ex-housemate of them all. The lesson being that the most interesting people tend not to be the ones who go on to win, with the possible exceptions of Nadia and Pete Bennett.

Bringing back the former winners? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… wake me up when they’ve gone.

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Big Brother: Valley of the Stepford Dolls


Noirin tells Marcus “I like everything about being a housewife.” Did, we wonder, domestic science classes ever give lessons in negotiating cider-for-a-nipple-flash? Marilyn French must be spinning in her casket. Mind you, Noirin was asking for trouble telling everyone she had a nipple-related party trick. I might offer a slurp from my can to see that.

Marcus, whose delusions about himself are spectacular by any standard, openly slathers at her like the St Bernard he is, and nobody in the house thinks he needs castrating, and quickly, before he starts cocking a leg on the furniture? Marcus believes himself ‘cool’. Then goes on to admit he does, sort of, still live with his mum. Is that cool Marcus, do you think? No, you lecherous hairy sleaze-bag. Leave real live women alone and get back to the stash of porn you delude yourself your mother doesn’t know about. You can sense the sticky tissues just looking at him can’t you?

Halfwit, too, lives at home. But not quite on the same scale as the rest of them: “I have one room, my parents have another and there are about eighty other rooms”. So he says, but I’m increasingly wondering if he’s not a stooge. Can anyone really be that preposterous in real life?

[posted by Inkface]

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Spooks: It’s the end of the world as we know it

lucas-northI’ve been very slow to catch on to Spooks. Indeed, I’ve missed six whole series of it, but the presence of Richard Armitage persuaded me that it might be a good idea to get series 7 on series link on the old Sky+ back in October.

I’ve only just watched them, and all I can say is: Oh. My. Good. God.

Talk about nerve-shredding. The thing with Spooks is, they’re not infallible. Things go wrong – the car bomb does explode, the person they’re protecting does get shot, the person you thought wasn’t a traitor turns out to be a traitor. So you can’t settle down and think “they’ll have it all sorted out in time for the 10 o’clock news,” because half the time, they don’t.

Richard Armitage plays Lucas North. He’s apparently spent the last 8 years in a Russian prison, where he was treated so harshly that he can’t even talk about it, though he has occasional flashbacks and a lot of tattoos (oh yes). Being able to speak fluent Russian comes in handy, though, because apparently the Cold War, which had warmed up a bit, has taken another dip, temperature-wise.

The series finale had Ros, Lucas and Connie (not as nice as we thought she was but a dab hand with a thermo-nuclear device) racing through disused tunnels of the London Underground, pursued by Russian agents, in and attempt to stop a small nuclear weapon turning London into something resembling a charred doughnut. They succeeded, but in case we relaxed too soon, the episode ended with spy boss Harry being bundled into the back of a car by his ruthless Russian counterpart, presumably destined for the same kind of horrible time that Lucas had just escaped from.

So there was I, left with my mouth hanging open, worrying about what was going to happen to Harry, and wondering about what I was going to do for an adrenaline fix now I have to wait till the autumn for series 8.

And, worst of all, after tomorrow I’ll be facing a summer devoid of Richard Armitage, as it’s the last episode of Robin Hood for a while too. It’s a harsh and brutal world.

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Holby City: Connie’s new position

connie-beauchampConnie Beauchamp has always had her eye on Ric Griffin’s seat. The one marked “Director of Surgery.” And now it’s finally hers, that administrative Jane woman having become fed up of Ric’s heavy-handed techniques with junior doctors (she ought to have seen how Jac behaved towards them last week; Ric is a pussycat in comparison).  Will Ric go quietly? If he knows what’s good for him he will, otherwise he’ll be on the receiving end of several of those trademark Beauchamp killer stares.

The newlyweds were back at work, but neither of them looked blissfully happy. Faye was feeling edgy because she’d snogged Linden at the wedding. Joseph was feeling edgy because he knew Faye was edgy about something. He thought she was having second thoughts about him adopting Archie, which was convenient for Faye. Meanwhile Linden is being tortured by guilt and lust, which gives him every opportunity for visiting the hospital chapel and looking anguished.

In other news, Elliott’s son-in-law, the man with the dopey miserable face, was even dopier and miserabler when he got the news that he’s going to go blind. Martha was ready (if not exactly willing) to be his care assistant for the rest of their lives, but he rather kindly let her off the hook.

And Donna fancies the new junior doctor. Good old Donna, we can always rely on her.

Related: Connie’s dream job

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Big Brother: your inner beauty is like platinum

sreeNoirin has found herself with an admirer. “It’s like having a spare arm,” she complained, about the small, annoying appendage which she just can’t shake off. Lisa advised her to tell the appendage (whose name is Sree) that she just wanted to be friends.

They sat down for what’s known on Big Brother as a “chat.” Sree gazed into her eyes and waffled about her beauty. Not just outer beauty (if you ignore the drawn-on glasses) but inner beauty as well. “Like… platinum,” he sighed. Noirin thanked him and said of course they’d always be friends “and I can show you round Dublin and that, like,” she added. He gazed at her, spellbound. “I love you,” he said. Noirin’s face wore the expression of someone with their heel caught in a manhole cover with a herd of buffalo bearing down on them. “You’re in lust,” she suggested, frantically trying to make light of the situation. “No,”he said. “On my parents life, I love you. If you believe me, give me a hug.”

She gave him a hug, as experience of Sree has shown that he won’t let up till he’s had a bit of physical contact (he’s like the embodiment of the old Peter Gabriel song I Have the Touch ) – then she rushed off to join the others, possibly wondering whether a restraining order would apply in the Big Brother house.

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Big Brother: your lips are moving but all I hear is blah blah blah


I like Lisa. She seems like a good sort. Quite sensible, very caring, a good laugh. But you sort of suspect Lisa hasn’t come across many people like Freddie “Halfwit” Fisher in her time.

She doesn’t get him, and she’s determined she’s not going to get him. Because whenever he opens his mouth, Lisa is convinced he’s said something ‘orrible. When Sophia was evicted and it became clear that the housemates wouldn’t be allowed to go to the main door of the house to say goodbye (and mutter “good riddance” under their breath), Halfwit suggested that they could still give her a nice send-off from the comfort of the sitting room. That’s what the rest of us heard him say. What Lisa heard him say, I have no idea, but it really made her cross. “Dawn’t yow dare spoik to moi in that tawn!” she warned him.

When Noreen (that’s how she pronounces it) declared she was going on hunger strike in protest at having to draw on her own face (hardly the kind of issue that normally prompts a hunger strike, but that’s BB for you), Halfwit said he’d wear nowt but a towel as a gesture of solidarity. Lisa didn’t agree with all this hunger striking – and to be fair, she has a point – and Halfwit said if Noirin (that’s how she spells it) decided to just wash her face, he’d still wear only a towel. He’d be right behind her either way.

That’s what he said, but again, what Lisa heard we can only speculate, but it made her cross. She got cross at him, cross at Angel, and cross at Wolverine. They were all immature, she said. All idiots.

This prompted an early appearance this year of the B word in the Big Brother house. “The bully has been called out,” Halfwit said.

Lisa is no bully. She’s hot-tempered, she’s feisty, she’s possibly a tad deaf, she definitely doesn’t like posh boys – but she’s no bully. But will the B word be floating around the diary room come nomination time?


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