Daily Archives: June 20, 2009

Big Brother: ratings plummet, desperate measures contemplated

alex-sibleyApparently no-one’s watching Big Brother this year (apart from me and Inkface, obviously). Ratings have been tumbling, the bookmakers have detected a couldn’t care less attitude come eviction night, and generally you can start to hear the tumbleweed rolling through Borehamwood.

In an attempt to inject some excitement into the proceedings (yes, even more excitement than Charlie in lycra leggings), the Star is reporting that all the former Big Brother winners will be brought into the house on 14 July (the anniversary of the first ever BB) for a special task.

Then you read the roll call of the glittering personalities who’ve won Big Brother over the years.

According to the Star: “Sexy Kate Lawler, 29, ex-trolley dolly Brian Dowling, 31, brickie Craig Phillips, 37, and Portuguese trans-sexual Nadia Almada, 32, will return on a mission to boost ratings. And they will be joined by fellow winners Cameron Stout, 38, Anthony Hutton, 27, Tourette’s sufferer Pete Bennett, 27, dopey Brian Belo, 21, and last year’s champion Rachel Rice, 25.”

Still my beating heart! Cameron Stout and Brian Belo? Rachel Rice and Kate Lawler? That lot make Halfwit and Angel sound like top-class entertainment in comparison. When I think of previous BB’s I think of people like the hideously cute cleanliness freak Alex Sibley, Nasty Nick, Federico, Nicky Grahame. The only thing that made Anthony Hutton interesting the year he won was the very, very creepy Craig who had an obsessive crush on him. And of course you have to think of poor Jade, the most famous ex-housemate of them all. The lesson being that the most interesting people tend not to be the ones who go on to win, with the possible exceptions of Nadia and Pete Bennett.

Bringing back the former winners? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… wake me up when they’ve gone.

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Big Brother: Valley of the Stepford Dolls

marcus-big-brother

Noirin tells Marcus “I like everything about being a housewife.” Did, we wonder, domestic science classes ever give lessons in negotiating cider-for-a-nipple-flash? Marilyn French must be spinning in her casket. Mind you, Noirin was asking for trouble telling everyone she had a nipple-related party trick. I might offer a slurp from my can to see that.

Marcus, whose delusions about himself are spectacular by any standard, openly slathers at her like the St Bernard he is, and nobody in the house thinks he needs castrating, and quickly, before he starts cocking a leg on the furniture? Marcus believes himself ‘cool’. Then goes on to admit he does, sort of, still live with his mum. Is that cool Marcus, do you think? No, you lecherous hairy sleaze-bag. Leave real live women alone and get back to the stash of porn you delude yourself your mother doesn’t know about. You can sense the sticky tissues just looking at him can’t you?

Halfwit, too, lives at home. But not quite on the same scale as the rest of them: “I have one room, my parents have another and there are about eighty other rooms”. So he says, but I’m increasingly wondering if he’s not a stooge. Can anyone really be that preposterous in real life?

[posted by Inkface]

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