Waterloo Road: The future is digital

(Series 8, Ep.23)  It was episode 2 in Dynasty Barry’s tussle between Education and Upbringing (episode one being the one where she chose education over pole dancing). With the arrival of her jailbird boyfriend Steve-O (he should wear brighter shirts then we could call him Hawaii Steve-O), all thoughts of the inter-school chess championship were thrown out of the window in favour of an engagement ring from the Katie Price for Argos Collection and a quick fumble in the Music Room.

She should have realised Steve-O was a bad sort, aside from the fact that he’d just got out of prison. She really ought to have recognised him as the nasty man who pimped out poor Whitney on EastEnders. Not that the actor (Jody Latham) is getting typecast or anything.

She saw the light when she saw the contents of his car boot – several top-of-the-range generic laptops which Cockney Lorraine had purchased for the school’s exciting new IT facility. Steve-O was dumped, and Dynasty ended up having a Thomas Crown Affair-style erotically charged chess game with Kevin Chalk (some sterling work by Dynasty’s false eyelashes), followed by a snog with him against a picturesque maritime backdrop. Talk about the odd couple… Anyhoo, Steve-O isn’t going to give up that easily, and administered a kicking to Young Master Chalk as a bit of a warning to Keep Off His Bird.  

Waterloo Road: 30% cuts week

(Series 8, Ep.22) Lorraine Donnegan’s accountant has told her she needs to slash the Waterloo Road budget by 30%. That’s a lot of slashing, so she decided she’d start by moving into Michael Byrne’s office. Has it suddenly become much larger? I’d swear it used to be a bit more snug, but maybe he used to have a false wall in there to make it smaller so Sian Diamond would have to wriggle past him for staff meetings. Now he’s on a pipe-and-slippers domestic footing with Jane Beale, he has no need of such stratagems and the extra space has come in handy for Cockney Lorraine and her ergonomic desk chair.

Further savings were to be found by making Michael do an honest day’s teaching instead of slumping over his desk all day waiting for disasters to happen. To make sure he could still hack it on the shop floor, Nikki Boston was dispatched to watch. If Nikki observed all the teachers, Lorraine (dress code: leather and black lace) reasoned, she’d be able to spot teachers who were not adding value, who could then be Drastically Cut.

The prime candidate for that sort of thing would in normal times have been Grantly Budgen, a man with such a gift for teaching he makes Steph Haydock look like Dead Poets Society. But these are not normal times for Grantly, what with having rapidly deteriorating kidneys and that. It’s put a dreadful burden on Maggie the Dinnerlady, who was faced this week with the added pressure that Lorraine wanted to slash the canteen budget as well and made Maggie compete with local takeaway owner The Prince of Spices for the honour of serving the school meals.  

Lustbox: Men who can sign

Now, PLA and I were having a bit of a collective swoon about men who use sign language yesterday, and I suggested lustboxing the lot of them.

Then I worried that perhaps it was offensive or patronising or something. Anyway, after a lot of thought (and, I’ll be honest, there’s not usually a lot of thinking going on when lustboxing) I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just a variation on finding bilingual men sexy.

The conversation started with silver fox Mark Harmon, who as Special Agent Gibbs regularly (though not regularly enough) converses in sign language with Abby Sciuto (who proves that signing women are sexy too), and moved on to Connor from Waterloo Road who signed his wedding vows.

Then there’s double signing with Guppy Sean and Sam Colloby from Casualty in the late nineties and more doctors signing in ER – proving that sign language can make even doctors Benton and Romano seem a lot more human.

Sadly I couldn’t find you links to the rare bit of signing we get from my favourite West Winger Josh Lyman (Season 2, Episode 20 – thank you Twitter hive mind), though I can give you Joey Lucas and Kenny signing AND annoying Josh at the same time. What’s not to love?

And then of course there’s CSI’s Gil Grissom. Smart, geeky and a signer. Not to mention William Hurt in Children of a Lesser God. Who have I missed? Let me know. And feel free to share more sexy signing women too.

Finally, why not follow @BritishSignBSL on Twitter and learn a new sign every day?

[NB I nearly included Benton Fraser here, but although he understands ASL, he doesn't actually sign for us in Due South, and semaphore may be a niche attraction even by my standards...]

Posted by Jo the Hat

Waterloo Road: The return of the giant broccoli

(Series 8, Ep.21)  Back we go to Waterloo Road, refreshed after the holidays. Sian Diamond has gone, and Cockney Lorraine has replaced her as Deputy Head with girlfriend Nikki Boston. It is her school, after all, so she doesn’t have to go through boring stuff like a proper recruitment procedure. Though Lorraine’s accountant has spotted that there’s not a lot of money to be made in a school (unless you’re Barry Barry and have sidelines in drugs and nicked cars) and has advised her to dump it. Lorraine, however, isn’t just in it for the money. She has a Vision, and like Michael Byrne she wants to do her best for the people they both insist on referring to as These Kids. If it comes down to a contest between These Kids and her Ferrari, though, she’s going to have a tough decision on her hands.

Grantly Budgen needs a new kidney, and Maggie the Dinner Lady isn’t a suitable match. He is therefore currently undergoing regular dialysis at home, which is the front bedroom of the boarding house for troublesome teens. As if the troublesome teens don’t have enough to worry about already.

The thing worrying Connor and Emo Imogen is how Jane Beale is going to take the news that they’re already married. They weren’t the most worried pupils this week, though. That would be problem-pupil-of-the-week Fergal Doherty, pursued by the father of his ex girlfriend who died of something drugs-related, and making ends meet by getting Harley off his head on something potent and unspecified. Dear, innocent Harley was only saved from a long drop off the school roof by the swift intervention of someone the teacher with the pointy face picked up in Africa.

Kacey Barry, meanwhile, has decided she wants to be called Robbie (“Robbie Barry” has a certain swagger to it, I agree) and use the boys’ toilets. Barry’s not happy about this, and Tom Clarkson has suggested the unisex teachers’ toilets as a compromise. I’m not sure who the unisex teachers are, but it’s kind of them to let Robbie/Kacey use their toilets.

The most exciting thing for me this week was spotting that there’s a giant sculpture of broccoli (and other veg) above the canteen door. It was only glimpsed briefly, but from now on I’m going to be on broccoli-watch to see if it reappears again. It would have gone so nicely with the W of pie from Series 6.

Posted by PLA          (More Waterloo Road here)

Waterloo Road: A wedding, a death, a serious illness and a job offer

(Series 8, Ep. 20)  What did I love about this episode? Against expectations, I loved the wedding – particularly the part when Connor busted out his sign language moves. I’d completely forgotten that Imogen is deaf (or partly deaf), so it was unexpected but completely appropriate, touching and beautiful. It even made Emo Imogen genuinely smile.

I also loved the acting of Katie McGlynn as Jodie/Scout. Her useless mother died, and Jodie’s reaction was to go straight to school to sit her exam, so she could get a place at university and become a teacher and try to inspire and support kids the way the Waterloo Road staff have inspired and supported her over the years. I know – snarf at that last bit, since she spent most of this term being bullied by Nikki Boston. But we’ll forget all that for the sake of a happy ending for Scout, as we see her leave Waterloo Road for the bright lights of university. Or Coronation Street.  

Waterloo Road: You can’t go slapping Barry Barry

(Series 8, Ep. 19)  I tweeted earlier this week that whoever thought of Barry Barry’s name was a genius. It’s memorable, it’s funny and it instantly labels him as Somebody. It describes him and defines him – everything he does is about not only living up to being A Barry, it’s about living up to being The Barry.

So when Sian went against him in supporting Kacey about her gender issues, Barry just couldn’t let it go. She’d also insulted his male ego by calling him a boy, so his revenge had a sexual element. Actually, it could have been a lot worse – he broke into her flat and managed to creep around fairly easily while she was in her underwear and in the shower – but Barry Barry isn’t evil and he has his own moral code, so all he did was to steal a photograph of Sian and Michael Byrne kissing, and a pair of her knickers.

After that it was a simple matter of taunting her – which Barry does most effectively. Because she wouldn’t be working at Waterloo Road if she had anything resembling teaching skills, she handled the sudden appearance of the photo all around the school all wrong by trying to humiliate him in a sex ed class, but it was Sian who ended up getting most wound up and she slapped him. Hard.  

Waterloo Road: We can be winners – just for one night

(Series 8, Ep. 18)  Thanks to the goal-scoring skills of star player Kacey Barry, Waterloo Road were in the final of the Unspecified Cup. Hurrah! But the problem was, FA rules (or some official rules somewhere) stated that girls couldn’t play in boys’ teams once they were over 15, in case they broke a nail or terrorised the boys with a mascara wand.

These things were not likely to be a problem with Kacey Barry – a less girly-girl you couldn’t wish to meet. But it went further than that – Kacey actually feels that she is a boy, with an unfortunately female body. So she was gutted to hear she wouldn’t be playing in the cup final. Tom Clarkson was gutted, as well. He knew the team had no chance of winning without Kaycey. His team just didn’t have what Alan Hansen would call “strength in depth.” Being a man (or woman) down, they even had to resort to Connor – who’d never played anything more physical than mah jong in his life – going in goal. 

Waterloo Road: At least three people not pregnant

(Series 8, Ep. 17)  By the end of the episode we’d established that three people weren’t pregnant. Emo Imogen wasn’t (can you imagine Connor’s sperm having the energy? He looks like he can barely blink without having a lie down afterwards). Jane Beale wasn’t, because Michael Byrne had “been careful” (don’t make me imagine that – I’d have to have my brain wiped), and Jade wasn’t because she’d just given birth five minutes before the episode ended.

She gave her baby to a woman who hardly ever blinked (welcome to Connor’s world), who would give her a better start in life. The alternative for the poor child was too ghastly to contemplate. It would have been grandmother-smothered by dreadful dinner lady Maggie, who was being ridiculously manipulative and emotionally blackmailing in trying to get Jade to keep the baby. And it would have had a fine succession of “aunties and uncles” of the likes of Scout, Harley and Rhiannon – who at least were more realistic than Maggie about the downsides to having a baby on the premises.  

Waterloo Road: Barry Barry’s got Bolton’s gun!

(Series 8, Ep. 16)  Thank heavens for the Barry family. They might be a tad over-the-top and cartoonish, but they’re funny and watchable and the three of them (Carl Au, Abby Mavers and Brogan Ellis) are all excellent actors.  The Barrys are making Waterloo Road watchable because, let’s face it, the rest of the permanent characters are a bit lacking in oomph at the moment. There’s drippy Connor and Emo Imogen, who do nothing but look pale-faced and miserable for an hour and sometimes get together and sometimes split up – I don’t particularly care which. I liked Connor a lot better when he was starting fires, but he’s put his pyromaniac career aside for now. Out of the other pupils, Scout and Kevin are semi-interesting, but that’s it.

I miss the likes of Ronan Burley, Finn and Josh, Lauren and Amy, Sam Kelly, Chlo and Donte, Michaela, Janeece etc etc. So naturally I was very happy to see Bolton Smiley (Tachia Newall) pitch up this week.  Tom Clarkson was also happy to see Bolton, looking Action Man-smart in his army uniform and just back from Afghanistan. Everybody said how proud they were that Bolton was doing his bit for his country, apart from Grantly Budgen, who muttered about “cannon fodder” and quoted Wilfred Owen.

It didn’t occur to anyone to wonder why a boy who’d gone to school in Rochdale would pitch up at a school he’d never seen before in Scotland to look up his old teachers – of which there were only two, and one of those didn’t like him. When he started having flashbacks about Afghanistan and Barry Barry found a gun in Bolton’s backpack, it was only a matter of time before there’d be a “He’s got a GUN!” stand-off in a classroom and non-speaking extras hurtling for the exits in blind panic. The day was saved by Grantly Budgen’s calmness, and throughout the episode the scenes between Grantly and Bolton were real and believable.

Elsewhere, Dynasty Barry was cross that Connor was still hanging around upsetting her new mate Emo Imogen. She and Kacey decided to give Connor a punishment fitting his crime and burn him. Well, singe him a bit. Seeing her pale-faced ex-boyfriend in peril was enough to send Imogen rushing to his aid and back into his arms against a suitably miserable backdrop of a derelict block of flats. If only they could be fun goths, like Rosie and Craig used to be in Corrie.

Next time: Is Emo Imogen pregnant? Please, no. She’s miserable enough when she’s not hormonal.

 

Posted by PLA          (more Waterloo Road here)

Waterloo Road: The mystery man and the mystery ingredient

(Series 8, Ep. 15)  This week, Kevin found some documents on Chalky’s laptop (which he’d “borrowed” to work on his award-winning robot design), which led him to suspect that Chalky might have had a previous life as a child molester. It turned out, after a lot of rushing around corridors and anguishing, that Chalky was a victim rather than a villain. This was Kevin’s cue to start talking like a self-help manual (Kevin talks like a 55 year-old chartered accountant at the best of times) and get Chalky to testify in court. And – heartwarming, this – Kevin wants to change his surname to Chalk.

Emo Imogen, meanwhile, told Connor that he must tell the truth about starting the fire, or she would do it for him. Emo Imogen is seriously grating on me – her whinging voice, her miserable face. Ugh. When Michael Byrne heard that it was Connor and not Jane Beale who’d started the fire, he decided to give him a chance to stay at Waterloo Road by getting him to fess up in front of the school (several regular characters and three rows of folding seats containing non-speaking extras). Then the police took him away.

The non-speaking extras may not have been speaking, but they were all laughing. Not because they’re a heartless bunch who didn’t feel Connor’s and Imogen’s pain, but because they were all stoned. The delicious brownies that Sonya had made in honour of the visit of TV’s Austin Healey (he was there to present the prize for the best robot. As PLA Jr remarked, “In the real world all you’d get would be a photocopied certificate”) had an added ingredient, courtesy of Barry Barry.

In other words, just your average day at Waterloo Road.

Next time: Bolton Smilie is back!

Posted by PLA          (more Waterloo Road here)