Big Brother: Day 94

Well, it’s over for another year. The final housemate has left the building, and doubtless a team of cleaners is, as we speak, girding its loins to get in and give the place a thorough fumigate ready for next year. Paying special attention to the corner reserved for Marcus’s “graveyard shift.”

I’m suffering withdrawal symptoms already, so what better excuse for a gallop through my highlights of Big Brother 2009?

(1) Charigo. Yes, I hate those stupid joined-up celeb-couple names too, but Charlie and Rodrigo collectively have been the loveliest thing to watch in BB10. I know they’re both pretending to be “just good mates,” but anyone with eyes to see spotted the body language weeks ago, and that includes the people who’ve lived with them, and the people who work on the show. It was a master-stroke to have those filmed inserts of body language queen Judy James in the finals show – you can’t fool Judy, you cheeky-faced Brazilian charmer. And it was a touching moment when Rodrigo saw the video of his family, and realised he hadn’t been disowned.

(2) Marcus. Has there ever been such a good-value housemate? He started off fairly creepy and pervy and sad, but he survived the process known as Noirin, from which lesser men (Sree) never returned, and emerged as The Irrepressible Dark Horse. He was hilariously funny, had the greatest line in swearwords and insults this side of Jeremy Clarkson, and genuinely didn’t give a damn, which was brilliant to watch. But at the same time, he was a good friend when it mattered, and thanks to his sense of competition and drive to be the best, he was always a good man to have on your side in a task.

(3) Siavash dressed in a barrel. Funniest single moment in the series, watching the “fashionista” rolling around on the diary room floor trying to get up.

And on the subject of fashion… (4) Charlie in a dress. He looked absolutely adorable in his Elizabethan dress. I just hope Siavash makes good on his promise to popularise skirts and heels for men, and I hope Charlie is on his list of models.

(5) Tantrums. Most of these were courtesy of Charlie and Rodrigo (“Shut up!” “No, you shut up!”), but Bea provided more than her fair share during her briefish stay in the house.  Magnificent-when-provoked prize must go to Freddie for his “I have EVERY reason to doubt you!”(complete with Shakespearean gestures) attack on Noirin during the “rabbitgate” incident.

And loads more. I know only ten people watched it, but for me this has been the best BB since Craig faced down Nasty Nick all those years ago.

Big Brother moves house

Channel 4 has confirmed that next year will be their last ever Big Brother. They plan to spend the £50 million they save on teen-pleasers like Skins and edgy stuff like Red Riding, apparently, so we’ll see how that works out.

But BB fans with a Sky box needn’t despair, as Endemol will be touting their baby around, and ITV, Five and Sky 1 are apparently all having a think about whether to acquire the rights. I do hope they acquire Marcus Bentley at the same time, because BB wouldn’t be the same without his increasingly bizarre  and exaggeratedly Geordie “DAAAAyyyyyyy nine’y five!” And Paul Oakenfold’s theme tune – for me, it’s the sound of summer.

Meanwhile, on last night’s BB, it all kicked off when Siavash once again decided not to vote. He says because he wants to “go op” and not be given a free ride to the final. Rodrigo thinks if you sign a contract you have to stick by it (plus Siavash’s non-vote was a vote for Charlie, and Rodrigo couldn’t be doing without his snuggle-bunny in the final week of the show). Charlie himself got in a right rage at Siavash and threw his behaviour with Noirin back in his face – he’d betrayed both his girlfriend and his “best mate” (that would be Marcus), thus proving that he couldn’t be trusted.

Charlie has been looking tense and sad in the last few days, and I can relate to why. The show is nearing an end, and it’s like the feeling you get at the end of a holiday when you’ve had a holiday romance. You hope that things will be the same in the “real” world, but you can’t help worrying…

Charlie and Rodrigo – Big Brother’s first ever grown-up relationship?

The slowly developing romance between Charlie and Rodrigo on this year’s Big Brother has been lovely to watch, largely because it’s obviously completely genuine.

Unlike the “romance” of Kris and Sophie, which didn’t fool anyone apart from poor Sophie (for a while – the blinkers are now apparently off), in fact unlike any other relationship in the history of Big Brother ever, this relationship has proceeded quietly, in whatever moments can be considered private in a house full of TV cameras and microphones. For a long while it wasn’t even picked up by the highlights shows, which focused on the sex-as-power-game nonsense of Noirin and her band of admirers.

In fact, probably only people who watch the night-time live feed would have been aware of much going on at all.  They don’t shout about it, you see (apart from when they argue – and boy, do they argue. It’s one way to release the sexual tension). It’s not for the cameras, it’s for night-time conversations in the dark, under a duvet; for each other, not for everybody else; and hopefully for the future, long after that peculiar house/TV studio in Borehamwood has been closed up for another year.

Related posts: The Sweetest Thing ; Charlie and Rodrigo get close

Big Brother: The sweetest thing

Aren’t Charlie and Rodrigo the cutest couple ever in Big Brother history?

While the BB highlights show has been grinding away with the Noirin Kelly saga for what’s felt like months, Charlie and Rodrigo have apparently been quietly getting closer. The thing with these two is that the relationship seems real and mutual, rather than a done-for-the-cameras thing like Kris and Dogface. You can tell by their body language, the way they look into each other’s eyes, the way they have fun together. Even the way they argue. Last night they were whispering in bed about meeting up when the show is over.  Charlie said he’d be gutted if either of them was evicted, and I would be, too.

This week everyone is up for eviction and it’s a vote to save, thanks to Siavash and his ill-conceived plan to “opt out of the game” and not nominate. Has he not seen Big Brother before, or been to school, even? Punishing the group as a way of punishing the individual is a staple of both those institutions.

So I’ll be voting twice this week – once for Charlie and once for Rodrigo – and just keeping my fingers and toes crossed that evil troll Lisa is the one doing the walk of shame on Friday. Though she’ll probably need surgery first to remove her nasty dressing gown, which must surely be the stinkiest garment in Britain by now.

Big Brother: Charlie and Rodrigo get close

It’s a thin line between love and hate, as the Pretenders once proclaimed (or was it the Proclaimers who once pretended? No it wasn’t). Yesterday Charlie upset Rodrigo by using the C word, which affected him almost as badly as when Siavash peeled paint off the garden chair. But once he’s removed the “offensive” from charm offensive, Charlie is all charm, and there’s video footage here to prove that the boy from Brazil is quite partial to a bit of Geordie.

Big Brother: Celebrity is as celebrity does

The thing about bringing old BB contestants back is it shows how ephemeral and shallow it all is. Not a wise plan really. But people remain true to form. Hated smug Craig and still do. He had to win the assault course against ‘Weedy Walter’ Halfwit and deny them all their shopping budget because…?

But what a total love Dean was. A nice joke having him building a sugar tower against the ultra sour-face of Lisa, who admittedly was trying to perform a facial rictus which would pass muster as a smile at him, but had clearly forgotten the right muscular manoeuvres to do it properly (cf Gordon Brown). He did it magnificently and kicked the pants off her, then knocked his huge erection down so she could win. I fell in love with him at that moment. My hero. Then seeing the squeaky clean Alex who once (and possibly still does) hated everyone for pissing in the shower, with an egg and spoon. All very disorientating for us the viewer as well as the current housemates, who were excitedly talking about him “getting a bleach ad out of it” and so thrilled at seeing real live people other than themselves they nearly wet themselves slavering at the windows. Poor Rodrigo with his rotten task which meant meeting no-one. He’d have got on like a house on fire with Nadia I reckon.

But in future BB, best to let ex-sleeping dog housemates (you know who you are Nikki Graham) lie, cheat and flaunt their knickers and feeble celebrity at all the ‘hot spots’.

Big Brother: I’m happy here

Lisa, we are constantly being told by Freddie, has a game plan. But what, exactly, is going on behind those tiny, puzzled, reptilian eyes of hers? Is she really hatching a master plan?

Charlie and Rodrigo have the same game plan, and its name is Being Nice and Not Annoying People Too Much (Except Perhaps Each Other). And it must be working, because they got the coveted No Nominations this week.

If Lisa (played by Hilda Ogden with a shaved head) has a game plan, it relies on being two-faced and unpleasant, and crouching at the bus stop sucking on a roll-up and swigging tea. And sulking until she gets people to give her the food that she said she didn’t need because ‘baccy is more important to her.

Charlie, not the shiniest bauble on the Christmas tree as far as strategic thinking goes, has spotted that Lisa is becoming less popular by the minute, and this alarms him. With Kris already gone, Charlie can’t be doing with losing more of his bus stop buddies just yet. Last night he made an attempt to prise Lisa away from her oversized transport-shaped ashtray, to come and join in with a game or something – just anything to make her look more entertaining and a bit less sour. Lisa responded by taking an extra long drag of her ciggie, sighing to the bottom of what’s left of her lungs, and replying, “I’m ‘appy ‘ere.”

Sadly, ‘ere is exactly where she’ll be staying, at least for another week, as she just failed to be nominated this week. So my finger will be on redial to get Karly out this week, and Lisa might find she has to join in with a few games after all, as the tumbleweed starts blowing through the bus stop.

Big Brother: I hate it when they start tinkering

Ratings for Sree’s eviction were up a tad on the week before, but are still not what Channel 4 ideally would like. This is leading to speculation in the papers about all sorts of “twists,” mainly involving Kris and Sophie.  There’s a possibility that two of Kris’s ex-girlfriends (one of who is a Page 3 model) will be going into the house to “stir things up.” Another suggestion is that Kris and Sophie will be locked into a “love room” together (they tried that with Paul and Helen way back when…), and that the ideal partner of each of them will go into the house to create jealousy. Hang on, though – since Kris has previously dated a Page 3 girl, doesn’t it look like his ideal woman is dim with a big chest? And Sophie is… dim with a big chest.

Frankly no-one wants to see Sophie cry. That just wouldn’t be entertaining. Far better would be if a posse of Chippendale/Il Divo/footballer whatever floats her boat types were put in the house for her, because I would rather enjoy seeing Kris cry when he discovered he’s not all that after all.

Meanwhile, Charlie is up for eviction this week. This is because BB set him a secret task of not speaking within a certain time frame, and of course he failed. This is the kind of tinkering that really hacks me off, when BB fiddles with the nomination/eviction procedure in order to mess things up a bit. I’ll be seriously annoyed if Charlie gets evicted (I’m loving the drama between him and Rodrigo). And what would happen if, for example, Kris and Freddie were up this week? Kris would probably have gone (hurrah!), but the presence of Charlie might split the vote, meaning that Freddie will go instead (boo!).

Though if they’re really lining up Page 3 girls and footballers to go into the house, presumably the last thing the BB producers want is to lose Kris.

Big Brother: “He has ruined my opportunity”

On Big Brother, the housemates are always banging on about “having a game plan.” Having a game plan is, apparently, A Bad Thing. You’re supposed to approach BB in a spirit of wide-eyed openness, forgetting that it’s a game, a popularity contest where being popular with your housemates reaps rewards.

Freddie has accused Lisa repeatedly of having a game plan. He thinks she gives or withdraws support to chosen individuals in order to consolidate her little power base by the ashtray bus-stop.

Lisa, Karly and Kris think they’re onto Freddie’s game plan. He’s trying to annoy people into being horrible so the public will hate them. The fiend!

There are some people in the house who appeared at first to be quiet, friendly and unconfrontational. Foremost of these was boyish Brazilian Rodrigo, from his very first on-screen smile the favourite to win the show.  But a little game plan leaked out yesterday. On several occasions, Charlie and Rodrigo’s pranks on each other have resulted in Rodrigo getting seriously annoyed, at which times he comes across as sulky and petulant. When he spotted Charlie stealing cans of lager (the number one crime in BB land these days), he agreed to say nothing as long as Charlie let him have some, but then he went straight off and told everyone anyway. Then it all kicked off, and while Charlie was in the diary room sobbing his little Geordie heart out, Rodrigo was annoyed not about the lager, not about the argument, not about Charlie himself, but about the way it would all be perceived by the viewing public. “He has ruined my opportunity,” he said. “The crowd will boo me now. It will ruin my life.”

Not so innocent after all – Rodrigo is painfully aware of how everything he does is being watched and analysed, and he was angry with himself for letting his carefully constructed nice guy persona drop. The sad thing is that the crowd would probably not have booed him for arguing with Charlie, but they most probably will boo him for being just as cynical as every other housemate.

Big Brother: Lust caution

I’ve come to the conclusion that, if it doesn’t totally fuck you up, public school can turn you into a confidence Weeble. Halfwit keeps getting a good slapping, but before you know it, up he hops, back to his old annoying ‘mmmm’ noises.

The minute Sree had left the building (not sure what the stop to dip his hand in the pool was about – self-baptism?), to my amazement, Halfwit pretty much said “Well thank God he’s gone. What a tosser.” I may be paraphrasing, but even thick-skinned Lisa was stunned into silence. Noirin, interestingly, was delighted. I think she’s been squashing her true feelings of revulsion about Sree’s lechy behaviour for quite some time now.

So why did Sree leaving release so much lust in the house I wonder? Booze, obviously, but more than that. Happiness and freedom partly. Sree was an oppressive, looming presence, and he was aided and abetted in that role by the house bullies: Kris and Lisa. The public yet again have refused to do their bidding and kick out Halfwit, so those two have lost a lot of face and power. Halfwit has regained his old confidence, and is expressing that through openly lusting after Charlie. Charlie is doing a verbal tango with Roderigo, and Marcus finally got his girl on his knee for a can of lager. All had smiles on their faces, even if Kris and Lisa’s were subdued, for now at least.

[posted by Inkface]