Tag Archives: James Jordan

Strictly Come Dancing – Amazing Jase and the Boa-Constricted

Following on from OMITS’ sterling work, it is now my turn to take my rightful place in the Shadow of the Glitterball. From the safety of my laptop, you understand – me on a dancefloor is the sort of occasion that court orders were invented for.

Nothing unusual to report on the first bit, same as ever i.e. Bruce making the sort of jokes found on the floor of a Christmas cracker factory whilst Tess vacantly looks on in a dress that gives her that whole “toilet roll holder they forgot to finish” vibe. Has the show taken a leaf out of X-Factor and started theming? If so, this week must be Ghastly Novelty Fancy Dress week.

First up, Harry Judd from McFly. He too seems to have embraced the Fancy Dress theme by coming as a darts player. Meanwhile, his partner Aliona looks a bit like that girl that murdered her dad in Coronation Street. Despite this inauspicious start, their Cha Cha Cha (or Cha cubed, for those of you as sad as me), to probably the most insanely catchy pop song of the last 5 years is a lot of fun. A bit jerky and uncertain, for sure. But he’s an enthusiastic performer and they do seem to have chemistry. The whole thing is very enjoyable right up until the point where Bruno starts talking about spunk. I of course missed the next bit whilst I threw up but apparently they scored quite well. I did however make it back in time to see the non-dancing celebrities awkwardly mingling in the background and was struck by the similarities between Robbie Savage’s grinny facial expression and that of Roland Rat. Has anybody ever seen them both in the same room? Postcards to the usual address.   Continue reading

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Strictly Week 9 Results – Ding, Dong, The Wid’s Not Dead!

Firstly, confession time – I HATE the results show (so much so I’ve lapsed into capitals AGANE). However, as promised, here it is. And to be fair, the whole experience wasn’t as intolerable as I thought it would be.

Firstly, hooray for the showdance! Purpley, whirly, jivey, chairy, close up on Brendan Coley (well, you can’t have it all). Quite long but the audience went nuts at the end so who am I to quibble?

Then we had some very interesting judges chat. Worth it simply for the spectacle of Bruno attempting to demonstrate the Argentine Tango with Craig, who looked far less alarmed than he should have done, frankly. The judges took the proverbial out of Gavin with various unflattering impressions. I managed to have sympathy for Gavin for the whole 5 seconds before he opened his mouth and revealed himself to be a vain, self-aggrandising bore again. Sigh.

Bye bye Patsy, Patsy bye bye...

Results stage one revealed that the general public (yeah, those animals) had saved Matt and Aliona (I don’t particularly like him but fair enough, he is good), Pamela and James (SQUEAL!) and Ann and Anton (I’m sure my flat screen telly will recover from this news one day). In the drop zone were Patsy and Robin. Bye bye, flat screen telly, the times we shared together were good ones.

I would comment on the lovely showdance James and Ola did at this point, but the sight of Ann Widdecombe dressed up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz to trail next week’s “Movie Week” afterwards pretty much rendered everything else insignificant. As a friend of mine put it via text message, “honestly, it’s like the BBC are begging the gay rights lobby to send them letter bombs”.

Results stage two revealed that the general public (to whom I am resolutely not speaking from now on) had finally struggled to their senses and saved Kara and Artem and Scott and Natalie. People who can actually dance. I know, how novel! Leaving Gavin and Katya to sit through the sub-Snow Patrol drivel of James Blunt before learning that…. PATSY = GONE!

To be fair, me liking any woman on Strictly is enough to put the mockers on her – so long Carol Smillie, tata Letitia Dean, au revoir Zoe Ball. But still, Patsy was amazingly gracious considering and even thanked the make-up staff. The judges shook their heads, the Strictly band managed not to murder Crying by Roy Orbison and we were told once again to KEEEEEEEP DANCING!

Which is more than Ann Widdecombe can seem to be bothered to manage. Gragh.

For previous Strictly blogs, click here

Typed in a trashed front room by a particularly grumpy Velocity Girl

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Strictly: new series high-kicks off

Well this is going to be fun. Viewers of every age, gender and sexual orientation should have something or someone to keep them entertained. The dancing celebs only got paired off last night, but I can tell already it’s going to be an amusing series.

What’s good so far?

  • Opinionated Tory Catholic Ann ‘I’m not actually holding a whip right now but I’ve got one in my bag if you don’t behave’ Widdicombe, who said of herself ‘I’m the pantomime act’. Clearly not planning to wear high heels, but sporting an excellent flicky new haircut. Seeing her paired off with Anton du Beke was priceless. That’ll teach him for Hole in the Wall and thoughtless racism
  • For the enjoyment of sports lovers – Peter bloody Shilton. And Gavin Henson, looking exactly like a Chippendale made into a Ken doll and wondering out loud if it’s all going to be ‘too arousing’
  • Paul Daniels partnered with the gorgeous Ola with (I’m guessing) the somewhat long suffering Debbie McGee watching
  • I’m not sure what to make of Pamela Stephenson deciding to be on it, but she’s gorgeous and since her lovely hubby Billy Connolly is watching, it’s double royalty as far as I’m concerned 
  • Seeing the woman with the most adored bottom of the 1970s, The Good Life’s Barbara, Felicity Kendal looking minxy as hell
  • Patsy Kensit!
  • The stupendous Craig Revel Horwood already sharpening his claws and getting his tongue ready to drip acid
  • Some rather hot new dancers have joined the mix, including one from High School Musical who is partnering Corrie’s Tina O’Brien

And we haven’t even mentioned Goldie, Michelle Williams and Matt Baker. The only downside so far, why isn’t the ever adorable Ian Waite partnering anyone this year?

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Strictly Come Dancing: we made it through the pain

Irked I am. Again. I know if the planet had first been populated by people like me, humans would never have left the caves. They’d have been seating on a heap of woolly mammoth skins trying to draw reality TV scenes onto the cave wall.

Dancing is all very nice and all that, but I cannot be doing with the heroics. Poor, gorgeous Amazonian Jade has found out that she tore her knee ligament last week and so has to leave the programme. I’m sad about it because I wanted her to win. She was a magnificent example of a properly fit woman in motion, with quite the finest bottom I’ve ever seen. And Ian Waite is loveliness personified too.

They haven’t irked me, bless their sweet souls. It’s the discussions on the weeknight programme, It Takes Two that have got my goat and pulled its beard. James Jordan, mullet quiffed husband of Ola, was on the sofa telling Claudia that, if you’re a professional, you learn to ‘dance through the pain’ . Whilst dancing with Ola, she once broke his nose. He didn’t specify whether or not it was an accident, but he did snap it back in place and carry on dancing. Brave? Truly professional? Or just silly. The implication was that Laila should have danced better on her sprained ankle last week, grinning through the agony like he would have done. Makes you want to punch him and break his nose all over again doesn’t it?

And as for his wife, I’m not sure about her. Everyone finds little Chris Hollins being bossed around by Ola (‘Mrs Johnson’ to him), having his mouth taped up and nipples regularly violently tweaked  utterly adorable. In my book, it’s not adorable. I appreciate the skills of a skilled dominatrix as much as the next person, but I’d rather their skills were practised behind closed doors. Enough I tell you. And Chris, I suggest you slather on plenty of Vaseline and her vicious little Polish fingers will slide clean off.

The dance-off was between Laila Rouass and Ricky Groves. Since she was in the bottom spot because her ankle sprain meant she had only a short time to rehearse, Laila won the day. Probably a fair decision.

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