Tag Archives: Jade Johnson

Strictly: The hobbit pips the hare to the post

Was that a great surprise? Cute plucky little Chris Hollins and perky pretty Ola Jordan winning the public vote to win the 2009 Strictly Come Dancing? No, of course it wasn’t. They haven’t been in a single dance-off for the whole series. The voting public adore short, happy people. Tall, better looking, confident and naturally more talented people will never be that popular. It’s not about who dances best, which is fine, except the programme has consistently fudged what the criteria is for winning.

Although in fairness, Chris did dance very well in all four of his dances last night. He and Ola did better than Ricky and Natalie in the side-by-side Lindy-hop. Perhaps benefiting from being closer to the ground in a bouncy, hoppy number since ‘bouncy and hoppy’ is what epitomises Chris and Ola. And boy have they practised over the months. Hundreds of hours of hard slog. For that reason, I’m pleased that they won. Without a shadow of a doubt, Chris has improved vastly more than Ricky because he really wasn’t great when he started. Not that Ricky hasn’t improved too, he has, but the fool made it look too easy, and that didn’t endear him to people. Expert after expert tried to tell us how extraordinary his technical achievement has been. ‘Amazing musicality, great finish’. Ricky’s hands-free spinning shoulder lift last night (I’m not using the correct technical term obviously) was ‘incredible’, said Bruno. ‘Takes years to learn’. He might as well have been speaking Finnish. The pain never showed, Ricky was too cool for school. And Natalie didn’t help by being long, lithe, blonde and wearing very little. At one point last night she seemed to be dancing in a swimming costume, inexplicably. I think, deep down, we resent people for being that damn good. Why would we want to reward that?

People saw nice looking but ordinary Chris dancing week after week with pretty Ola and thought ‘I could do that!’ (although I have noticed how much leaner and fitter he has become over the weeks). Ola is married to someone we know and quite like (who sports a silly haircut so is never too cool for any school). Chris has a steady girlfriend we hardly ever see and lives with his mum and dad. He and Ola are sweet but very unsexual, and their sincerely affectionate friendship is in itself fascinating. In what other forum could two heterosexual people kiss, cuddle and become so incredibly intimate and yet we readily believe they are not having sex? I did wonder if Ali and Brian (and Ricky and Natalie?) had to lose for being too bloody obviously happy together on and off screen. Their intimacy beyond the dances may have made viewers feel excluded.

Anyhoo. What I’d like the programme makers to do now is sit down with the judges and decide clearly what the criteria is for winning the glitter ball trophy. If it’s entertainment, fine. Improvement over time? Also fine. Just make sure the way it is judged allows that to happen. Then people will know what they are spending their money on for those phone votes.

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Strictly Come Dancing: we made it through the pain

Irked I am. Again. I know if the planet had first been populated by people like me, humans would never have left the caves. They’d have been seating on a heap of woolly mammoth skins trying to draw reality TV scenes onto the cave wall.

Dancing is all very nice and all that, but I cannot be doing with the heroics. Poor, gorgeous Amazonian Jade has found out that she tore her knee ligament last week and so has to leave the programme. I’m sad about it because I wanted her to win. She was a magnificent example of a properly fit woman in motion, with quite the finest bottom I’ve ever seen. And Ian Waite is loveliness personified too.

They haven’t irked me, bless their sweet souls. It’s the discussions on the weeknight programme, It Takes Two that have got my goat and pulled its beard. James Jordan, mullet quiffed husband of Ola, was on the sofa telling Claudia that, if you’re a professional, you learn to ‘dance through the pain’ . Whilst dancing with Ola, she once broke his nose. He didn’t specify whether or not it was an accident, but he did snap it back in place and carry on dancing. Brave? Truly professional? Or just silly. The implication was that Laila should have danced better on her sprained ankle last week, grinning through the agony like he would have done. Makes you want to punch him and break his nose all over again doesn’t it?

And as for his wife, I’m not sure about her. Everyone finds little Chris Hollins being bossed around by Ola (‘Mrs Johnson’ to him), having his mouth taped up and nipples regularly violently tweaked  utterly adorable. In my book, it’s not adorable. I appreciate the skills of a skilled dominatrix as much as the next person, but I’d rather their skills were practised behind closed doors. Enough I tell you. And Chris, I suggest you slather on plenty of Vaseline and her vicious little Polish fingers will slide clean off.

The dance-off was between Laila Rouass and Ricky Groves. Since she was in the bottom spot because her ankle sprain meant she had only a short time to rehearse, Laila won the day. Probably a fair decision.

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Strictly Come Dancing: What a spectacle

Conga-mI didn’t bother blogging on Strictly last week, because it was all fairly pedestrian. But bloody hell did that change last night. Twistier than a drunken conga it was (not sure there has ever been a sober one), it began with Brucie’s absence due to ‘flu.

And so the surreal events began. It was like the ghost of Saturday Night past. Or half of it (not a size joke-I mean one half of a famous pair). Ronnie Corbett came down the stairs. A man who has not changed his style of eye-wear in forty years. And why should he? Flanked by two (apparently) very tall women, Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman, who was also drafted in to fit Brucie’s shoes. And she wears fabulous shoes, does Claudia. Anyway, it was a odd sensation looking at one of the two Ronnies, like the 70s had never gone away. I could feel hysterical laughter welling up inside me.

BRITAIN OLYMPICSThen when the couples came down the stairs, I spotted a bandage around the lower leg and ankle of Laila Rouass and wondered what that was about. Then the next bombshell. News that, gorgeous and normally fit as a freakishly fit fiddle, Jade Johnson, my favourite celebrity dancer, paired with my favourite professional dancer, Ian Waite, had knackered her knee in dress rehearsals. It upset me that, instead of rushing her to hospital in her lovely orange and black dress, she had to endure an interview about what had happened. As I understand it, if she is fit enough to dance next week, she will not be kicked off  the show (the rules state that, if you can’t dance under medical advice, you can skip a week only). 

But that wasn’t the end of the drama. When Laila and Anton came out to dance, we hear that she sprained her ankle, and her face looks rigid with pain. Dancing in heels on a sprained ankle? Really, it’s bloody madness and not surprisingly, she can’t make it to the end of the dance. Anton carries her over the judges, and Craig Revel Horwood gives her a score of 3. I felt sorry for the judges actually, what on earth are you supposed to do under those circumstances? She should not have been made/allowed to dance, but the reason she did was that, however painful (and stupid, some might say) dancing on a sprain does not apparently increase the damage, according to medical advice.

After the nightmare week of Ali Bastian being made to perform in the dance-off with a broken/bruised toe, the voting public kept Leila and Anton out of the bottom two. This left Ricky Groves (in specs for the first time, which I rather liked, being a specs wearer myself -you don’t see them on TV that much) and Phil Tufnell. Ricky got more votes (although it was a close run thing-Len Goodman had the deciding vote), so Tuffers is out. He damaged his knee a few weeks ago, which required an op,  and the knee had been playing up in rehearsals this week. I couldn’t help but wonder if Len went for the man less likely to be stretchered off in the last few weeks of the show.

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