Waterloo Road: 30% cuts week

(Series 8, Ep.22) Lorraine Donnegan’s accountant has told her she needs to slash the Waterloo Road budget by 30%. That’s a lot of slashing, so she decided she’d start by moving into Michael Byrne’s office. Has it suddenly become much larger? I’d swear it used to be a bit more snug, but maybe he used to have a false wall in there to make it smaller so Sian Diamond would have to wriggle past him for staff meetings. Now he’s on a pipe-and-slippers domestic footing with Jane Beale, he has no need of such stratagems and the extra space has come in handy for Cockney Lorraine and her ergonomic desk chair.

Further savings were to be found by making Michael do an honest day’s teaching instead of slumping over his desk all day waiting for disasters to happen. To make sure he could still hack it on the shop floor, Nikki Boston was dispatched to watch. If Nikki observed all the teachers, Lorraine (dress code: leather and black lace) reasoned, she’d be able to spot teachers who were not adding value, who could then be Drastically Cut.

The prime candidate for that sort of thing would in normal times have been Grantly Budgen, a man with such a gift for teaching he makes Steph Haydock look like Dead Poets Society. But these are not normal times for Grantly, what with having rapidly deteriorating kidneys and that. It’s put a dreadful burden on Maggie the Dinnerlady, who was faced this week with the added pressure that Lorraine wanted to slash the canteen budget as well and made Maggie compete with local takeaway owner The Prince of Spices for the honour of serving the school meals.  

Waterloo Road: We can be winners – just for one night

(Series 8, Ep. 18)  Thanks to the goal-scoring skills of star player Kacey Barry, Waterloo Road were in the final of the Unspecified Cup. Hurrah! But the problem was, FA rules (or some official rules somewhere) stated that girls couldn’t play in boys’ teams once they were over 15, in case they broke a nail or terrorised the boys with a mascara wand.

These things were not likely to be a problem with Kacey Barry – a less girly-girl you couldn’t wish to meet. But it went further than that – Kacey actually feels that she is a boy, with an unfortunately female body. So she was gutted to hear she wouldn’t be playing in the cup final. Tom Clarkson was gutted, as well. He knew the team had no chance of winning without Kaycey. His team just didn’t have what Alan Hansen would call “strength in depth.” Being a man (or woman) down, they even had to resort to Connor – who’d never played anything more physical than mah jong in his life – going in goal. 

Waterloo Road: At least three people not pregnant

(Series 8, Ep. 17)  By the end of the episode we’d established that three people weren’t pregnant. Emo Imogen wasn’t (can you imagine Connor’s sperm having the energy? He looks like he can barely blink without having a lie down afterwards). Jane Beale wasn’t, because Michael Byrne had “been careful” (don’t make me imagine that – I’d have to have my brain wiped), and Jade wasn’t because she’d just given birth five minutes before the episode ended.

She gave her baby to a woman who hardly ever blinked (welcome to Connor’s world), who would give her a better start in life. The alternative for the poor child was too ghastly to contemplate. It would have been grandmother-smothered by dreadful dinner lady Maggie, who was being ridiculously manipulative and emotionally blackmailing in trying to get Jade to keep the baby. And it would have had a fine succession of “aunties and uncles” of the likes of Scout, Harley and Rhiannon – who at least were more realistic than Maggie about the downsides to having a baby on the premises.  

Waterloo Road: Barry Barry’s got Bolton’s gun!

(Series 8, Ep. 16)  Thank heavens for the Barry family. They might be a tad over-the-top and cartoonish, but they’re funny and watchable and the three of them (Carl Au, Abby Mavers and Brogan Ellis) are all excellent actors.  The Barrys are making Waterloo Road watchable because, let’s face it, the rest of the permanent characters are a bit lacking in oomph at the moment. There’s drippy Connor and Emo Imogen, who do nothing but look pale-faced and miserable for an hour and sometimes get together and sometimes split up – I don’t particularly care which. I liked Connor a lot better when he was starting fires, but he’s put his pyromaniac career aside for now. Out of the other pupils, Scout and Kevin are semi-interesting, but that’s it.

I miss the likes of Ronan Burley, Finn and Josh, Lauren and Amy, Sam Kelly, Chlo and Donte, Michaela, Janeece etc etc. So naturally I was very happy to see Bolton Smiley (Tachia Newall) pitch up this week.  Tom Clarkson was also happy to see Bolton, looking Action Man-smart in his army uniform and just back from Afghanistan. Everybody said how proud they were that Bolton was doing his bit for his country, apart from Grantly Budgen, who muttered about “cannon fodder” and quoted Wilfred Owen.

It didn’t occur to anyone to wonder why a boy who’d gone to school in Rochdale would pitch up at a school he’d never seen before in Scotland to look up his old teachers – of which there were only two, and one of those didn’t like him. When he started having flashbacks about Afghanistan and Barry Barry found a gun in Bolton’s backpack, it was only a matter of time before there’d be a “He’s got a GUN!” stand-off in a classroom and non-speaking extras hurtling for the exits in blind panic. The day was saved by Grantly Budgen’s calmness, and throughout the episode the scenes between Grantly and Bolton were real and believable.

Elsewhere, Dynasty Barry was cross that Connor was still hanging around upsetting her new mate Emo Imogen. She and Kacey decided to give Connor a punishment fitting his crime and burn him. Well, singe him a bit. Seeing her pale-faced ex-boyfriend in peril was enough to send Imogen rushing to his aid and back into his arms against a suitably miserable backdrop of a derelict block of flats. If only they could be fun goths, like Rosie and Craig used to be in Corrie.

Next time: Is Emo Imogen pregnant? Please, no. She’s miserable enough when she’s not hormonal.

 

Posted by PLA          (more Waterloo Road here)

Waterloo Road: The mystery man and the mystery ingredient

(Series 8, Ep. 15)  This week, Kevin found some documents on Chalky’s laptop (which he’d “borrowed” to work on his award-winning robot design), which led him to suspect that Chalky might have had a previous life as a child molester. It turned out, after a lot of rushing around corridors and anguishing, that Chalky was a victim rather than a villain. This was Kevin’s cue to start talking like a self-help manual (Kevin talks like a 55 year-old chartered accountant at the best of times) and get Chalky to testify in court. And – heartwarming, this – Kevin wants to change his surname to Chalk.

Emo Imogen, meanwhile, told Connor that he must tell the truth about starting the fire, or she would do it for him. Emo Imogen is seriously grating on me – her whinging voice, her miserable face. Ugh. When Michael Byrne heard that it was Connor and not Jane Beale who’d started the fire, he decided to give him a chance to stay at Waterloo Road by getting him to fess up in front of the school (several regular characters and three rows of folding seats containing non-speaking extras). Then the police took him away.

The non-speaking extras may not have been speaking, but they were all laughing. Not because they’re a heartless bunch who didn’t feel Connor’s and Imogen’s pain, but because they were all stoned. The delicious brownies that Sonya had made in honour of the visit of TV’s Austin Healey (he was there to present the prize for the best robot. As PLA Jr remarked, “In the real world all you’d get would be a photocopied certificate”) had an added ingredient, courtesy of Barry Barry.

In other words, just your average day at Waterloo Road.

Next time: Bolton Smilie is back!

Posted by PLA          (more Waterloo Road here)

Waterloo Road: A two car family

(Series 8, Ep.12 & 13)  In last week’s slice of our favourite hyper-realistic school-based drama, Phoenix and Harley won £200,000 on the Lottery. A life-changing sum of money, as Noel Edmonds would call it. It certainly changed Phoenix and Harley’s lives. They started riding around in a stretch limo and wearing “look at me” trainers, just to show how loaded they were. It was all a slim excuse to get rid of Phoenix, who’s taken his big hair to live with his dad and invest his money and his time, in the family business. Harley, meanwhile, donated his share of the cash to good causes in Africa (bless!) and is donating his time to Waterloo Road for now.

Last week we also saw the unreal spectacle of Michael Byrne (who is not being sent dahn for hastening his father’s exit from the planet) actually having fun, via the medium of paddling in the sea trying to fish out Jane Beale’s course outlines. That’s course, not coarse.

There wasn’t much action from the Barry family at all last week, but this week the focus shifted to Dynasty Barry and her future as a pole dancer. But she can’t even speak Polish! I hear you cry. Maybe not, but she is very, very good at English Literature and produced an A* essay. Obviously wasted on the world of sleazy clubs and breast enhancements, but it took quite a lot of effort from Emo Imogen and the teacher with the little face to persuade her of the fact. It took even more effort to persuade Ma Barry. Beautiful work from Zoe Lucker as Carol Barry, who does common-as-muck like she was born to it.  

Waterloo Road: The name’s Barry. Barry Barry

(Series 8, Ep.11)  Back to school after the Christmas holidays, to be greeted by news of yet another Controversial New Initiative. Waterloo Road has acquired (via the bottomless pockets of Lorraine The Cockney) a new Pupil Referral Unit, also known as A Fine Excuse For Some Proper Hard Cases.

On the subject of which… enter the Barry family. The father is in prison for armed robbery, and the mother and three kids (the beautifully named Dynasty, Kacey and Barry. Yes. Barry Barry – “so good they named him twice”) are not exactly paragons of citizenship themselves. And they’re from Liverpool – not that WR would be guilty of stereotyping or anything.

The Barrys settled in well to Waterloo Road. Barry started his first day by sleeping with the mother of football captain Jack MacAllister and then broadcasting the episode, which he’d handily filmed, to a meeting of the sixth form. He ended it by taking head of the PRU Nikki Boston’s car and putting it up for sale on eBay. He’s going to fit in just fine, and he’s got that Finn Sharkey bolshy/cheeky thing going on, which helps. Younger sister Kacey is what used to be called a tomboy. Probably these days we’re supposed to wonder if she has gender identity issues, because she dresses like a boy and plays football like a boy. The only people who really had issues with it were the girls who thought the new boy was rather fit – till they realised he was a she. Dynasty lives up to her name – she’s all big earrings, short skirts and chewing gum. And mum is Zoe Lucker, looking like she’s having a lot more fun than when she was being snooty Vanessa in EastEnders. 

Waterloo Road: Looking forward to the holidays

(Series 8, Ep.10) Half term, and what have we learned? I’ve learned that I don’t find the new Scottish Waterloo Road half as much fun as the old Rochdale version. The characters I liked who made the move have been gradually shipped out (Josh, Tariq, Janeece) or have been fairly invisible (Tom). There’s only good old Grantly left, and since he was part of the most ludicrous “wedding” I’ve ever seen on TV, I don’t like Grantly as much as I used to.

This is why I haven’t been blogging much about Waterloo Road this series, because if I can’t say something nice, I’d rather not say anything at all. I only enjoy writing about programmes I enjoy.

One character I thought I was going to enjoy was the moody Connor. Moody is good, as far as I’m concerned, and he had those pale interesting eyes and arson habit. What’s not to like? Unfortunately he also had his boring mum, Jane Beale from EastEnders, and her alcohol problem. The main problem with Jane Beale wasn’t the alcohol, it was that she was a relentlessly nasty person. There were no different dimensions to her character at all, which obviously made life hard for Connor, but it made me care less about the whole predicament.  

Waterloo Road: Twisted firestarter

(Series 8, Ep.4)  Connor and Imogen, the James Dean and Natalie Wood of Waterloo Road, didn’t have an easy week this week. There’s Connor’s mother (Jane Beale) for starters. Being an alcoholic is one thing – Rose Kelly was an alcoholic but she was fairly charming with it and used to smile a lot – but Jane Beale is a nasty piece of work. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to believe that it’s all the fault of the drink and she’d be a shining example of maternal cuddliness if she was sober, because we haven’t seen her sober yet. She’s perfectly horrible to Connor and was also perfectly horrible to his new girlfriend Imogen. Connor’s go-to strategy for dealing with his mother seems to be arson, and this week it was a bit of fire-setting in the WR basement. Guess who put the fire out? Tom Clarkson, of course. Everybody’s hero. It was Connor who got the blame, which was fair enough because he was to blame, but where’s Pious Kim Campbell when we need her to (a) be on top of arson and (b) spotting a cry for help when she sees one?  

Waterloo Road: We need to talk about Tariq

(Series 8, Ep.3)  I’m getting used to the weird new setting, with its Scottish accents, Toblerone-shaped school and bizarre boarding house. This means I can now concentrate on the everyday madness that is Waterloo Road.

I have to say I’m a little concerned about Tariq. The poor lad only broke his back at the start of the summer holidays, yet a mere couple of months later he seems to have been left to fend for himself. When his wheelchair rolled off out of reach while he was in the bath, the poor lad had to haul himself out of the tub and ended up lying on the bathroom floor waiting for Grantly to break the lock and come and help him.  Added to this indignity the fact that his father isn’t speaking to him, his sister Trudi is in Canada with Finn (awww, bless!), the other sister is too young to understand what he’s going though and the Adorable Josh thinks the way to help is to dish out motivational self-help books, and poor Tariq was feeling like he’d be better off as a memorial tree.