True Blood 303: Another rug ruined

Ok, you might be taller than me, and VERY cute, but... my damn rug!

Even before the credits, Eric violently savaged a werewolf in Sookie’s house. What IS it with that house? Makes Amityville look like a retirement home for gentlefolk. Sookie ought to just redecorate in red, it’d save so much on Mr Muscle. Eric was unrepentant that he’d added to the mess. ‘I got your rug all wet,’ he growled, through a faceful of werewolf blood.

The credits provided brief respite before we were plunged into the King of Louisiana’s palace, silver-lined doors and burning ex-girlfriends a speciality. Talbot was most displeased that a valuable tapestry was used to put Lorena out, but the King dismissed him with a camply-arched eyebrow, and settled down to give Bill a little homily on love and humans, leaving the usually opinionated Bill quite speechless.

We got quite a bit more Bill back-story: how he tried to return to his wife after becoming a vampire (doh! Bad idea, Bill), and how Lorena came after him with her infuriating belief that there’s no such thing as too much make-up. It shows how evil Lorena is that I was amazed she merely glamoured Bill’s wife, rather than biting a hole in her neck and ruining yet another perfectly good rug. Poor old Bill just cannot shake off Lorena; she is the thick-skinned sort who considers mere stalking a tame way to court love. Her cunning plan was that Bill would turn down the King and thus get Sookie killed, but Bill thwartingly renounced his allegiance to Louisiana. Then he started shagging Lorena violently – and when I say violently, I mean he twisted her head all the way round to the opposite side of her neck so he wouldn’t have to look at her – with all of us yelling, ‘No, Bill! NO!’ It was the most disturbing sex scene in TB by far, and that includes all those other ones that you can think of.

Sookie meanwhile was still whining about Bill. I just cannot understand what Eric finds so alluring about her, and if he ever sees the light, though not literally, obviously, as that wouldn’t be good for him, he knows where I am. Anyway, he sent a hunky werewolf to look after her, and they immediately went to a tough looking bar for which Sookie wore an eye-poppingly tight white top. It was reminiscent of her entrée at Fangtasia, and confirms that Sookie is making a personal quest of attending supernatural night spots in immodest garments. Next up, Sookie visits Den of the Zombies wearing a bikini. She immediately got into a bit of bother – I’m not convinced her ‘which of you gentleman will buy me a drink’ shtick was ever going to work – and her poor bodyguard had to step up. The bar looked familiar; clearly it was modelled it on Oscars, a biker bar in Ilford I frequented in 1985. Really impressed with the designer’s attention to detail – the exact same bar-stools and everything.

Somehow in amongst all this werewolf-baiting rug-cleaning Bill-missing whirlwind, Sookie found time to arrange Eggs’ funeral. This was a thinly-disguised ruse so that she could be friends with Tara again, though frankly there’s been so much plot I couldn’t remember why they’d fallen out in the first place.

Hi Tara, I'm your sane new boyfriend.

Tara had eye-rollingly good sex with scary vampire Franklin, who rather sweetly failed to take credit for his technique (‘It’s something all vampires can do’). It took only minutes for her to revert to type, leaping out of bed and refusing to tell him her name. Though later he easily glamoured her into inviting him in. Tara sure has a rotten track record with the chaps. And she seems to have completely forgotten about her previous life-long passion for Jason.

Talking of whom, Jason’s whim of the week was to be a cop, which lasted right up until he couldn’t answer the first question on the test (which was ‘Name?’) Next episode, Jason decides to be a brain surgeon till he discovers that he’s not 100% sure what a brain is. In other cop news, Sheriff Bud had the most realistic True Blood scene ever, admittedly not a hotly contested field, when he and his colleagues dug up another dead body (presumably Jessica’s truck driver, who Franklin had helpfully removed from her cellar. Oh, do keep up). Bud threw down his badge, yelling, ‘I can’t take any more murders!’ It was such a relief to have someone point out that it’s a kind of abnormal situation in town.

Sam’s family pitched up to Merlottes unexpectedly, causing Sam to put on the exact same expression that I wear when my family turn up unannounced. Or in fact, when they turn up announced. His dad and brother drank themselves even more stupid than they are already, and Sam threw them out. So, family reunion going well then.

Quote of the week from Pam, who wearily had to counsel Jessica about disposing of the truck driver: ‘Did you call the hypothetical hardware store and get the theoretical chainsaw?’ Poor Jessica. She shouldn’t be home alone. In vampire terms she’s only a few weeks old. She let in the creepy Franklin and told him everything she knew, which presumably didn’t take too long.

Sweetest scene of the week was between Arlene and Terry. She was going to tell him she was pregnant with Rene’s child, but Terry assumed it was his and was so excited that she, as have so many before, allowed him to believe he was the father. Well, not that many have tried to pass off the child of a lunatic serial killer, but this is Bon Temps, where everything is ratcheted up to a whole new level.

Posted by Qwerty

1 Comment

Filed under True Blood

One response to “True Blood 303: Another rug ruined

  1. Tim

    I’m liking the Arlene/Terry relationship more and more, probably because it’s the one point of sanity which grounds an increasingly bonkers series.

    Exorcist-style sex? Ow. Did Lorena need to visit a chiropractor afterwards? And, I repeat: ow. It was certainly disturbing, but it did also sum up Bill and Lorena’s not-love-hate-very-much relationship perfectly. Did I say “ow” already?

    Whatever next?

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