True Blood 202: I’ll be your bad-ass vampire

Ooh, the stress, my dear! Even Jason, who usually provides light relief, set my nerves a-jangling. At first it was fun watching him bounce around Christian Leadership camp with other blond chirpy Walton types, all in their silver anti-vamp rings and sunshine yellow t-shirts. Or sunshine yellow pecs in Jason’s case. That boy can’t keep his top on for more than five minutes. But he freaked during role play with Sarah when she popped plastic fangs into her mouth (only slightly less convincing than the ones the real vampires wear). Flashing back to the horror of  Amy killing Eddie, Jason damn near staked Sarah with the American flag. From the way Sarah flushed and licked her over-heated lips, it seemed she’d be purty glad to be staked by him any time.

You could, uh, fry an Egg on that

It was Pecs On Parade this week, as Eggs also swanned about shirtless. He has a perfect washboard stomach, but for some reason Tara was less interested in that than in interrogating him about his past. Though the poor boy wiggled his manly chest at her, she kept her eyes resolutely above neck-level and insisted on knowing what he’d served time for. Who cares, Tara? So it was armed robbery. Never mind that, look at his six-pack!

Maryann was stressing me out too. If she wasn’t eating her way through Merlotte’s entire menu (‘what’s going on at table four?’), she was somehow persuading the entire bar to dance and rut in bacchanal fashion. And turning Sam into a dog when he gave her a hard time about it. When Sookie listened in to Maryann’s thoughts, all she got was a lot of what could be ancient Greek. Or Latin. Who knows? It’s all Greek to me.

You always nagged me to brush ma teeth, Daddy, and now look

Sookie was on usual dippy form, allowing herself to be persuaded to drive Jessica to her parents’ house, ‘just to say goodbye’. It was jolly well nearly a permanent goodbye; Jessica was just about to kill her daddy with the very belt he’d once used to whack her when Bill showed up in a right old huff. Sookie had already realised that Jessica had put her in an unfortunate position (‘I don’t normally cuss but you have completely fucked me here’). However, Bill, rather outrageously, was far crosser than a man who’s recently killed his girlfriend’s uncle has any right to be. ‘Shut up!’ he roared at Sookie, and threw her out of the house, saying he would have to ‘clear up her mess’. If I was Sookie I’d be having words later.

The most nail-biting scenes were reserved for Lafayette. Eric was already in a grump because he’d got blood in his hair from scoffing the redneck, and Pam was aggrieved as she was mid-way through doing his highlights. It turned out fine for Eric, as a new shorter ‘do’ suited him. But it didn’t turn out too well for Lafayette, who botched an escape attempt by allowing himself to be shot in the leg by dim-bulb Ginger. Lafayette desperately suggested that Eric turn him into a vampire, so that he could work for him at Fangtasia. Last seen, Lafayette was being munched from all sides by Eric, Pam, and the ugly hanger-on bloke. Fingers crossed this will make him a vampire, albeit a multi-punctured one. I will be peeved if I tune in next week to find him dead instead of undead.

I look SHARP! Not bad for a thousand year-old guy.

The only soothing bit was the meeting between Eric and Bill in a brightly-lit mall. Something about the incongruity of the setting, Eric’s new haircut and tracksuit, and their familiar tussle over Sookie, made it all seem strangely grounded in reality. Yet moments later we were watching the fear on the face of Eden, as her sister Jessica threw their father around the room. When I examined my nails, I discovered that the Stop ‘N’ Grow I’d liberally applied was no match for the tension down old Louisiana way.

 

Posted by Qwerty.      (See all True Blood posts here)

4 Comments

Filed under True Blood

4 responses to “True Blood 202: I’ll be your bad-ass vampire

  1. Emma

    500yr old guy? Huh – 1000! I’d say more action packed then stressful. I loved the Forever 21 mall scene.

  2. inkface

    Far more attractive than the topless boys was the tracksuited Eric. I love the new hair and striped tracksuit – he could be Sue Sylvester’s hot little brother!

  3. Qwerty

    Ah yes, Inky – you too will fall for the increasing charms of Eric during Season 2. His astonishing resemblance to Sue notwithstanding.

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